


Just A Crush

by kayla_desirae_collins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Human Castiel, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-11-09 14:04:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 39,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11106105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayla_desirae_collins/pseuds/kayla_desirae_collins
Summary: You've known for a while now that your sister was getting married. Enough time to try and find someone willing to go with you. The brothers think it would be a good idea to go with Cas, the one and only blue eyed beauty you've had a crush on for years.





	1. On The Lookout

“Dean!” you called out through the bunker; your voice carrying out into an echo. Due to no response, you continued examining the place and and calling for him. He had to be around her somewhere, Sam claimed he had just saw him. Passing through the kitchen, you stopped at the bar when you noticed Cas. He sat perched at the table with one of your books.

“Hey Cas,” you greeted calmly. The blue sapphire eyes peered into you, his deep, blue gaze capturing your full attention.

“Hello (y/n),” he replied, setting the book down. Just hearing the sound of his voice made your heart race. 

“You were looking for Dean?” he questioned, completely oblivious to how much he had you wrapped around his finger. You’d had a silly crush on him since the moment you met him and like some crushes, your feelings continued to develop over time. Especially now that he was human and had been spending most of his time with you and the boys in the bunker.

“(y/n)?” he called, pulling you from your trance as he tilted his head. Everything in your mind went blank; you were at a loss for words and it only seemed to make his uncertainty grow. Somehow you managed to nod, answering his previous question mutely.

“Are you okay?” Cas stood, walking over to you. Sometimes being with him was beyond difficult; most times you were able to compose yourself and hide your crazed feelings, this wasn’t one of those times. 

“Yeah,” you stepped away from him as he neared you, shaking your head and demanding yourself to pull it together.

“Im fine Cas, really,” you lied, giving a convincing fake smile. You were getting good at those. Cas glanced you over a second time before taking a slight step back.

“Did you see where Dean went?” you quizzed, resurfacing to the main question.

“He is in the garage fixing the car,” he informed, concern still etched into his features. You could tell you were worrying him. Sure, you had acted like a school girl when your crush first began, telling Sam all about it, but you hadn’t acted this bad around him ever. Perhaps it was because of your sisters wedding that was coming up and you were desperately trying to find a date.

“Thanks Cas,” you mumbled, turning towards the hallway that lead out to the garage. Once you were out of view, you began to shake your head at yourself, face palming at how unglued you just were. For years you’ve struggled with your feelings, but at least you were able to remain collected around him and act semi-normal. What the hell just happened to you back there?

You approached the entrance to the garage and called out to the eldest Winchester again. Once his name left your lips, a loud thud, followed by a grumbled ‘son-of-a-bitch’, signaled his whereabouts. Upon approaching him, he shot you a glare filled with annoyance.

“Dammit (y/n),” he hissed, rubbing his head thoroughly. His annoyance fueled a little laughter in you. Shaking his head in disapproval, he ducked back into baby’s hood.

“What do you need?” he quizzed without looking up, continuing to take apart the engine.

“You know I love you right?” you asked, smiling as he paused and peeked up at you through his lashes. His face stayed serious as he stared you down, knowing you were fixing to ask him to do something for you.

“Im working on baby,” he grumbled, turing his attention back to the car. Your shoulders slumped at his answer. You stood there for a few moments before you decided to speak up once more.

“But you do know… right,” you mumbled, knowing he could hear you even though he chose to ignore you, “…that I love-.”

“What is it?” he interrupted, straightening his back and towering over you. You forged a small, weak smile but it dropped all too quickly.

“Can I borrow you for a few days?” you decided to just pop the question, his answer was going to be a simple yes or no. Or thats what you thought anyway.

“For what?” he quizzed softly, loosing his previously annoyed attitude. His whole demeanor changed and you could tell he was now curious.

“I have to go to my sisters wedding… and I need someone to go with me,” as you spoke, he caught on to what you were asking for. Crossing his arms against his chest, he let out a small sigh.

“We’ve been through this (y/n).”

“Dean please, its only for a couple of days,” you begged, but you could tell he wasn’t going to budge.

“I can’t pretend to be your boyfriend. Besides, I need to see what’s wrong with baby and get her fixed up. She’s been making these weird noises. Why don’t you ask Sam?” he prodded and pursed his lips as you slumped in defeat.

“I have, he’s researching for a case up in Washington,” you informed. Your family's inquisition was coming after all.

“Well then, I really don’t know what to tell you,” he explained as he uncrossed his arms and began wiping his hands on an old rag.

“You could always ask Cas,” he shrugged his shoulders. Your eyes widened as you looked at him, sending him a quick glare. 

“What? He could use some fresh air, sunlight will do him good,” he added.

“I can’t ask him to do that Dean,” you sighed.

“Why not? You asked me and Sam.” he stated matter of factly, crossing his arms again.

“Castiel isn’t apart of this, its either you, Sam, or I deal with the inevitable, gruesome questions from my family,” you explained. He raised his brow at you.

“I don’t think you’re making yourself a fair trade,” he pressed. Sighing again, you looked away from him.

“Why do you want me and Sam to be your fake boyfriends?”

“Because its easier,” your voice was noticeably raised and the words were out of your mouth before you could stop them. Dean gave you a questionable stare as the both you stood in silence.

“What do you mean, 'its easier'?”

“We go down there, see my family, fake what we have to and then when we come back everything goes back to normal,” you express. He looked you over for what felt like forever.

“And you can’t do that with Cas?”

“No, not really,” your eyes fell from him as you hesitantly crossed your arms.

“Why not?” Dean still had no clue. You’d told Sam a long time ago, but with Dean and Castiel’s ‘profound bond’ you decided it was best not to share the information with everyone. Dean waited for you to answer but you just weren’t saying anything or even looking at him for that matter.

“Is it because… what does he say?… his people skills are rusty? Hell (y/n), you know he’s getting better.”

"No, its not that….” Now you were debating it; just telling Dean and getting it over with, though part of you still didn’t want to risk it.

“Then what is it?” His tone was becoming annoyed again.

"Its nothing, forget about it,” shaking your head, you had turned to leave.

“Fine,” he agreed, turning back to the engine before mumbling.

"I just don’t see why taking Cas would be any different than you taking one of us.”

"Do you really want to know?” Yep, it was time to tell Dean Winchester the news. 

“If I took him with me, nothing would be the same when we were to come back."

"(y/n) what does that mean?” his tone was exasperated. He was tired of dragging on a conversation if you weren’t willing to tell him some key parts.

"I like him, okay? I can’t pretend that everything is going great and put on a show for everyone, portraying a life I know I’ll never have. My heart breaks everyday when I see him, knowing I can’t have him. So I can’t exactly jump at the opportunity because Cas is not an option for me,” you announced. Dean immediately stopped what he was doing, all of his attention was focused on you; neither of you saying anything for a while. His stare started to become too much for you and you couldn’t help but look away. It didn’t help that you couldn’t even guess what he might be thinking.

“You like Cas?” his tone was just above a whisper, beginning to walk up to you as you nodded in agreement. A smile began to tug on his lips and once you noticed, all the worry in you diminished and you began to smile too.

“Since when?” he stifled a small laugh, his mood back to playful and friendly.

“For about nine years now,” you admitted, a deep blush rising to your cheeks as you saw him doing the math in his head.

“You mean to tell me, you’ve been pinning after this guy ever since he dragged me out of hell?” Dean raised his brow in question, smile still playing upon his features. Nodding again, he started to smile really big this time. Letting out a light chuckle, you tilted your head in question.

“What?”

“Now I really think you should take him,” he was still smiling but you knew he was being completely serious.

“Dean,” you whispered, sounding like what he had just said was completely frowned upon.

"Oh, come on. Just do it."

"You obviously didn’t see how I acted around him before I found you just now. I couldn’t keep myself together and deep down I know its because I’ve already thought about asking him to go.”

"Then ask him,” he persuaded again. By now you knew there were no chances that you were going to get Dean Freaking Winchester to go with you. 

"Yea, I’ll think about it,” flashing him a smile before you started your retreat back into the bunker. You needed to start packing, come morning you needed to start driving back to your home town.

"You better,” he called after you, chuckling as he though about what you said all over again.

"Oh, and Dean. You better not say anything,” you announce, sending him a wink before you would be completely out of view.

"Yeah, yeah…. Does Sammy know?” he shouted after you, the last part containing mounds of curiosity.

"Yep, welcome to the club of my love interests, Dean Winchester,” you shouted back with a smile. You laughed again as you thought about what could happen since Dean had this information. Were you crazy? Probably, but you didn’t have time to worry to much about it. You needed to be packed so you could get some rest before the drive tomorrow.


	2. Will you go with me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel finds out about your trip, though he's shy some of the details. Will you ask him to go or are the brothers going to persuade him to ask you about it?

It wasn’t long after you headed off to your room, that Dean resurfaced from the garage. Instantly heading towards the kitchen for a beer as he wiped away the grease and oil from his hands. When he entered the room, the first thing he saw was Cas, sitting alone at the table, reading a book as he nibbled on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

“Hey,” Dean nodded over to his friend as he walked over to the sink. Cas simply hummed in response, not even bothering to glance up from the pages he was entranced in.

“What are you reading?” Dean pressed, glancing over his shoulder. 

“‘Message In A Bottle,” Cas’ response was just that, short and to the point; no more, no less.

“Oh no,” Dean grumbled, legitimately upset with the response.

“Not only has she got you watching chick-flicks but now your reading the crap too? Why are you reading that?” Dean shook his head and rolled his eyes as he turned back to make sure his hands were getting clean.  
Cas’ blue eyes focused up towards the Winchester, his finger holding his spot on the page as he heard Dean huff again. Becoming slightly offended by his remark, Castiel spoke up.

“It’s about sail boats,” Cas gave, trying to trick Dean so he would back off a little.

“Cas please, I know what its about. It merely even mentions a boat. It’s a romance novel…, and if the Nick guy who wrote it, started writing about two boats falling in love, I’m sure it would of gone public. A lot of love-crazed women would be all over that. Its not about what or who is falling in love, its the story of the love that grabs their attention."

"His name is Nicolas Sparks and even you seem to know a little about it yourself,” Cas made a point, inferring that Dean might have read it.

"Yeah, dude thats one of (y/n)’s favorite books. She has like three copies of it and she cries every time she gets to the ending. How could I not know about it?” Dean turned and pressed his back up against the counter as he dried his hands. Cas sent him a glare and started to read once more.

“Cas…” he paused, “can you put that up for a minute, I need to talk to you about something.”

“Can it not wait? I’m in the middle of a good part,” the ex-angel pleaded. The older brother gave him a look and in one swift motion grabbed the book from him, losing Castiels place in the same process.

“Dean!” Castiel lashed, clearly upset from Dean’s actions. Trying to get the book back, Dean scooted the book from his reach.

“No, it can not wait. Do you like (y/n)?” he questioned bluntly. Cas’ demeanor changed from upset to confused. 

“Of course, she is my friend,” he stated, concerned why Dean would even ask him that; you were all a family.

“No,” Dean looked around at all the entrances surrounding them, making sure you weren’t within earshot, “do you like, like her?” He whispered to Cas though Cas still wasnt comprehending what Dean was trying to figure out.

“What?” Cas turned to face him more straight on.

“Dude, you’re killing me here. Do you like her personality? Do you find her attractive?” Dean threw in the two questions to hopefully clue Cas in on what he meant.

“I don’t understand why this is a topic of import?” Cas shifted in his chair a little, his cheeks warming up a little as he realized what Dean was asking.

“It doesn’t matter why. Do you like her?” he pushed.

“Dean, what are you doing?” Sam stood at the entrance, looking over at his brother horrified. When Dean heard him, he let out a sigh and shook his head. He knew Sam would probably try to stop this conversation from going any farther, no matter how much it needed to be talked about. Moving from his original question, Dean slid right into the next one, switching his gaze from his brother back to his best friend.

“If she asked you to go with her somewhere, would you go?” The blue sapphires met the gleaming emeralds. Cas furrowed his brows as he looked between both of the brothers.

“Where is she going?” Cas quizzed, concern fueling his voice. How long would you be gone? When were you leaving? Why were you leaving?

“That’s not the point. Just answer the question. Would. You. Go. ?” Dean spoke with annoyance as Sam began staring a hole through him. He knew this probably wasnt the way to handle this, but Dean had a little bit of a point.

“Yes…I would go,” he explained sharply, not fixing his gaze on either of them.

“So, you like her?”

“Dean!” Sam snapped, shaking his head clearly annoyed at his brother. If you found out about this, you’d be pissed. No, beyond it. You’ve liked Cas all these years, if you weren’t ready to tell him that was on you. But if Cas were to find out and things came backfiring, it would be on him; especially since he witnessed his older brother provoking the situation.

“Fine Sam, I’ll stay out of it,” Dean explained exasperatingly as he headed towards the fridge to get the beer he was originally after.

“What are you talking about?” Cas turned to watch Dean, waiting for an answer. Sam clenched his jaw, silently cursing his brother. If you were going to ask Cas, you were going to do it. If not, then you weren’t. That was that. Sam had tried and offered to help you, but you pleaded for him to let you do it on your own. And you had simply stated: If it happened, it happened. If not, then it didn’t, and Sam respected your wishes all these years. How did Dean even find out?

“She is going to her sister’s wedding, Cas. She needs a date. Seeing as I was busy, she went to ask Dean but apparently were both booked.” Sam exchanged, answering the question Dean wouldn’t because of his recent backlash.

“I told her to ask you,” Dean informed. Castiel stared at him for a moment before passing Sam a questionable gaze.

“She hasn’t asked me,” he sounded a little disappointed, which didn’t go unnoticed by either brother.

“I know,” Dean figured you hadn’t, “and she’s probably not going to. But you’re going,” he finished his sentence as he sent a look over to Sam. How could his little brother know all this time and not do anything about it for you?

“Maybe she doesn’t want me to. If she did, she would have asked,” he turned from Dean and looked over at Sam.

“Cas, you’re going. Trust me, you want to go. Now, go tell her you’re going and get your stuff packed before I pack it for you,” Dean pushed, not leaving any room for a negative answer. Pushing away from the counter, beer in hand, Dean began walking back out to the garage. Sam sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, thinking about everything that just happened.

“Do you think I should go? Or rather, do you think she wants me to go?” Cas was hesitant at first to ask the question, not sure which answer is was hoping for. Sam switched his gaze over to his friend, all his thoughts froze for a moment as he saw a look of hope in Cas’ eyes. Maybe Dean was on the right approach on this all along. 

“She definitely doesn’t want to go alone, Cas. Maybe you should go talk to her. Perhaps….” Sam thought about what he was doing. After what all Dean had just said, Sam’s advice would be the icing on the cake.

“Perhaps you should insist on going,” the younger Winchester eyed him closely with complete seriousness.

“Also, you should go talk to her now. If I’m not mistaken, she’s heading out early in the morning,” Sam added as he made is way towards the door, in search for his brother to see what the hell all of that was about. Cas sat there for a few moments, not sure on how exactly he should approach you. If you didn’t want him to go he wasnt going to push you, no matter how much Dean thought it be fit to do so. Slowly, he gathered himself and made his way down to your room, grabbing the book back that Dean had took from him.

You were in the middle of packing your shower bag when you heard a knock on your door. After putting your shampoo and conditioner in your bag, you made your way to answer the door. All thoughts from earlier completely vanished from your mind sense you were trying to remember to pack everything. That was, until you opened the door and a set of blue orbs locked in with yours.

“Hi,” he greeted, if you weren’t mistaken you’d almost for sure seen his cheeks redden.

“Hey Cas,” you smiled, opening the door and standing aside to let him in. You noticed the book in his hand that you had lent him.

“Are you finished with that one already?” Your question caught him off guard, noticing as he turned back around questioningly. 

“The book,” you lifted your hand to point to it, your smile growing by the second.

“Oh,” realization dawned on him, you thought he was here for the book. 

“No, not yet,” he began, hesitating as he thought of how he was supposed to do this. He paused a little longer than what was sociably normal and it struck you as weird. Cas was quiet sometimes, but never for this long. Plus it were as if he was thinking about something very important.

“Did you have a question for me?” you asked, and instantly his eyes shot up to yours as if you caught him red handed but he remained to say nothing.

“Cas you can ask me, don’t be shy. I’ve read the book a million times and I still have things I haven’t quite figured out.” He didn’t realize how fast his heart was beating until he understood you were again, talking about the book. He needed to get out of there, he wasnt going to be able to do it. If you wanted him to go, you would’ve already asked by now.

“I seem to have forgot…my question,” he replied slowly, dropping his eyes from you as he drew his brows together. You watched him for a moment before you realized this was probably your chance. Before you had the time to think yourself out of it and before you completely turned down the idea. As you were preparing yourself to bing the topic up, Cas spoke up.

“I apologize,” he continued, heading towards the door he just came through moment before. You didn’t want him to go, he knew you didn’t. You would of asked him right after you asked Dean. But you didn’t. So he couldn’t bring himself to ask.

"Cas wait…” you called him right at the last possible second. 

"Maybe if you remember your question, you could ask me about it tomorrow,” you avoided yet again, way to go. When he turned around at first, he seemed to be a little hopeful. Sighing, you continued.

"What I mean to say… I actually have a question of my own, for you,” you speak quickly, your brain finally realizing you were actually fixing to ask him.

“Would you mind coming back in here for a second?” You pause, knowing the both of you should probably be sitting down for this.

“Is that your question?” he asked, sulking a little.

“What? No…, no Cas, that isn’t my question. I would like to talk to you about something actually, but it might be better if you came and sat down so we could discuss it.” You were hopeful for a moment and you couldn’t help but smile as he slowly made his way back through the door, walking straight up to you. You smiled again, your nerves making you almost nauseated as you lead him over to your bed, the both of you sitting down. You sat there procrastinating but he didn’t seem to mind.

“Alright, so…where should I even begin,” you let out a chuckle as you rubbed your hands against your thighs.

“I don’t exactly know how to say this so I’m just going to say it. My sister is getting married in a few days and she’s really been wanting me to go. Since she’s my sister and its a really big day for her, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her no and also I do actually want to be there for her. However every time, every single time I go home, my family bombards me with questions about my relationship status. If I’m being quite honesty, I don’t see that status changing any time soon, especially over the course of the next few days. With that being said, between Sam or Dean, have you heard anything about it?”

“Dean mentioned it,” Cas stated almost immediately, but thats all he shared. Immediately your mind started reeling. Dean mentioned it? In what, the short amount of time you’ve been packing? What else may he of mentioned?

“Dean mentioned it?” you repeated as a question, mortified at what all Cas may know.

“He and Sam said you asked them to go with you but they are busy,” he explained and inside your nerves calmed down a little at the relief.

“Yeah, Sammy’s researching a case and Dean’s fixing the car. Once she’s put back into place and is running well, they will probably started heading up that way, its all the way in Washington,” you tell, partly avoid the question yet again. “So, Castiel…this brings me to you. I hate to ask you because I don’t want to inconvenience you in any way, that’s part of the reason why I asked the boys first. I’m used to doing favors for them and they do things for me too, its just something we’ve always done for one another. And… well, me and you, we’ve never really done this sort of thing before. Mainly because I go to the boys first and one of them always winds up helping me out. But this time they can’t…, and I was wondering… I was wondering if maybe you could help me out this time?” There it was. The question was out there, now all you had to do was explain what all it required. And thats if he even agreed to that.

“(Y/n), we are friends…friends help one another. I would be happy to accept your offer,” he smiled, happy that you did ask him and not just blow him off. His words hurt you though, even with him saying he would help, the fact that he labeled you as a friend. Perhaps thats all you’d ever be to him… just a friend…

“Thank you Cas,” you gave him another forced smile like you had earlier and he nodded his head proudly, still not catching on.

“There’s one more thing though…, it ties back in with the whole relationship status deal…” you hesitate as he tilts his head questioning you. 

“If you were to go, by the way you can still change your mind, no decisions have been made final yet…. If you decide to go with me, you’d be my ‘boyfriend’,” you signaled the air quotes as you said the ‘B’ word. Cas’ head remained tilted but his brows drew together, signaling that he was taking in everything and processing it all.

“What would that mean exactly?” He questioned seriously, looking up at you. You felt as if your heart was bound to rip from your chest.

“It means, while we are with my family we’re together. You hold my hand, I hold yours, type of thing. We have to pretend that we love each other,” you explain, trying to swallow the knot in your throat.

“But I do love you,” he answered and had it not been Cas and his misunderstandings, you would of kissed him right then and there. But it was Cas and you knew he had misunderstood you.

“I know Cas, but you love me as your friend. I mean, we,” you point back and forth between the two of you, “have to be more than that. But only while were around my family. When were at the hotel, if you for some reason decide you do want to go, we would be like we are now; completely platonic.” You sit in silence as Cas thinks about what all you laid on the table. You knew it was a lot to take in and you probably should have had this talk with him earlier and not the night before you were supposed to be leaving.

“I’ve never been in a relationship before,” he admits, looking down towards the ground. Before you could even think about it, words left your mouth again.

“I will show you,” you claim, afterwards realizing he might of been trying to get out of it with his last statement but trying to be nice about it.

“That is, if this is something you want to do. If you don’t, I completely understand,” you place, refusing to say anything else until he said something next, otherwise you were going to start rambling.

“I do want to help you, (y/n). I already told you I would and my answer hasn’t changed.” You couldn’t help but smile and even hug him. The action happened so fast you didnt even see it coming. Squeezing him tight, his arms slowly wrapped around you too.

“Thank you Cas! You’re a lifesaver,” you smile up at him once you pull back and he does the same.

“I should probably start packing,” he declares and you nod, both of you standing at once.

“Okay, yeah,” your smile kept growing.

“Is there anything else I should bring beside what I normally take on hunts?” Looking down at you for guidance, he’d never been to a wedding before.

“Well, we’ll be gone for seven days. I hope thats okay,” you ask and he simply nodded his head.

“So seven pairs of clothes, maybe some extra if you’d like. Uh…, a swimsuit, if you have one. The hotel we’ll be staying at has a huge indoor pool. Maybe your dress suit for the rehearsal,” you had your eyes closed as you thought about what all events you had packed for.

“I think that might be all. If I remember anything else, I’ll come let you know asap!” you exclaim, simply overjoyed that he was coming with you, and you managed without any hassle.

“Okay,” he agreed, flashing you another smile as he headed for the door.

“Okay,” you whispered, watching as he carried himself. He began to shut the door before he stuck his head back in.

“What time are we leaving?”

“Oh! Yea, thats kind of important,” you announce and the way you said it made him look down and smile, “ Well be leaving here around seven, if thats good for you?” He simply nodded and began to leave again when something popped into your mind.

“Cas,” you call, hoping he’d hear you. Sure enough the door opened a little again and he poked his head through.

“Will you bring the trench coat?” It felt like your heart stopped as you waited for his answer. The trench had been his signature piece when he was an angel. The question popped into your head out of no where, you didn’t even know if it was going to be raining or if him bringing it would just be taking up space. But at the same time, you didn’t care. You’d give anything to see him wearing it again.

“Of course,” he nodded and grinned. Earlier when you had mentioned his old suit, he couldn't help but hope that you’d say something about the coat. It made him feel like his old self again. As he shut the door this time, he let out a sigh of relief. He was going with you and you were happy for him to go. Now Sam and Dean, would need to help him pack so he got everything perfect for you. You needed him and he wasn’t about to let you down.


	3. Reality Of It All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before you head out on the road, Sam decides he needs to talk with you. After everything that is said, it leaves you second guessing everything.

Groggily, you made your way into the kitchen. Your alarm woke you at six and since, you had managed to brush your teeth and get dressed. Lazily, you walked through the threshold; rubbing your sleepy eyes and sliding your feet across the floor. 

“Good morning there, sunshine,” Sam chuckled as he sipped away at his coffee, article clippings scattered around him.

“Good morning, Sammy,” you greeted, perking up at the smell of the yummy dark liquid that helped fuel your mornings.

“Coffee’s still hot,” he smirked, knowing full well of what you were after.

“Thanks,” you smiled, turning back as you pulled down a mug from the counter. “I’m not complaining, because not having to make the first batch this morning is great, but why exactly are you up this early?”

“Dean and I are heading out when you and Cas are. I went for a run, showered and now I’m onto breakfast. Meanwhile, Dean is still probably laid up asleep,” he explained while you were pouring your cup. Making your way over to the table, you saw him roll his eyes playfully as he mentioned his brother.

“Congrats to you for being an early riser. I actually envy Dean at the moment,” you joke, covering your face with your hands as you sat there; tempted to go back to bed and sleep for a few more hours. Contemplating the idea of just sleeping there at the table, a thought passed through your mind.

“Do you think I have to wake Cas up or do you think he will be up?” Your heart rate increased just at the thought of his name. Sam could tell and he couldn’t help but let out a friendly laugh. He knew you were nervous, you always had been when it came to Cas.

“(y/n), you know everything is going to be fine right?” He sat back in his chair holding a smirk, crossing his arm across his chest.

"Are you one hundred percent sure? Because I can’t help feeling this experience is going to be a complete shit show.” You sigh, moving your cup of coffee away from you. Sam quirked his brow at you and scooted closer to you, rubbing his hand on your back.

“Hey…, hey,” he repeated to gain your attention. You couldn’t bare to look at him. Everything in you was screaming that this was a bad idea.

“What all did Dean say to him?” your voice was stressed but you couldn’t hold it in any longer. What did Cas know?

“I walked into the kitchen last night and they were both in here. Why did you tell Dean?

“I don’t know Sam! I was trying to persuade your freaking brother that I needed his help. If you haven’t noticed he can be considerably annoying and unreasonable. My nerves were getting the best of me and at the time I thought it would be a good idea if he knew!” you raised, beginning to freak completely out.

“Okay, hey…calm down,” he reasoned, standing up beside you pulling you to him.

“Cas doesn’t know anything, alright? When I walked in last night, Dean was close to telling him but I made sure he didn’t go that far. It isn’t his place to say anything, its yours. So believe me when I tell you, Cas has no idea,” he explained, cradling you to him for comfort. Without resisting, you hugged him back. Both of you stood there for a while, embracing each other quietly so you could calm down.

“If Dean didn’t tell him, what exactly did he say?” Sam pursed his lips as he released you a little, holding you to his side now as he looked down to you.

“Dean kept asking if he liked you,” he explained, sighing as he knew what your reaction would be.

“What?” Your heart began pounding, “what did he say?"

“Relax, its Cas. He wasn’t catching on to Dean’s scheme.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning, Cas never answered the question but he didn’t catch on to your feelings either,” Sam cleared.

“Well thats good I guess.” Your expression held relief but a bit of disappointment all at once.

"Are you okay?” He smiled a little, seeing if he could get you to reciprocate.

"I don’t know Sammy. I feel like something will happen on this trip and its going to change things. I’ve never been alone with Cas for this long before. When it starts to be too much, like it usually does sooner or later, I can’t exactly hide from him,” you step away a little, crossing your arms as you began overthinking once again.

"Can I give you some words of advice?” Sam pulled you from your thoughts, crossing his arms and exchanging your stance. Nodding, you turned more to him.

"Stop running from him.” Those four words slid off his tongue like they were nothing. It was what you needed to hear but at the same time, the sentence terrified you. 

“You can’t keep hiding in your room to avoid him. Its not healthy and it certainly isn’t doing anything about the way you feel. You’ve been keeping him at a distance for years now (y/n). Sure, since he’s been here with us you have been better around him, but your walls are still up. Do you realize who were talking about? He doesn’t exactly understand why you do the things you do; he’s in the dark. Thats why Dean thinks its a good idea for him to go on the trip with you."

"Thats Dean though,” you raise a brow, getting defensive.

Well, I kinda think its a good idea too. Honestly something like this should of happened a long time ago.” He stood his ground. Usually Sam said whatever you needed him to say and he did what you wanted to do, but Dean was right. This trip needed to happen; for the both of you.

"You’re supposed to be on my side with this Sam. You said it was my choice and now you’re deciding to choose sides with your brother?” You raised slightly, trying to understand the brothers tone.

"If I’m on anyones side, its yours; especially on this. No, Dean didn’t have a right to do what he did last night; however, you can’t keep doing what you’ve been doing. Not to yourself and not to Cas, its not fair to either of you. Im not saying to tell him how you feel on the drive down there. All I’m saying is, let him in. Give him the chance to learn things about you.” Sam eased up a little.

"He knows things about me,” you spat, not backing down from the road Sam was headed. He had something to say apparently and you weren’t going to let him try to dismiss it.

"He knows what you want him to know, (y/n). Ive kept my mouth shut because you wanted me to and because Dean was unaware of how you’ve felt, things between you and Cas are the way they are because of it,” he shifted, moving his hand as he pointed his finger around while he spoke.

"What do you mean things are the way they are?” Uncrossing your arms, you took a step back from him. What was he getting at?

"Cut the crap. You know what Im talking about and Cas knows it too. He knows you’re much more distant with him than you are with me and Dean. Do you honestly not see that? Because I see it all the time, I saw it last night even. Have you ever thought that maybe he wants to be closer with you? You won’t even give him the chance,” Sam let out an exasperated sigh as he watched you, his finger now pointing at you. You froze, knowing he had a point but you didn’t want to admit it. Denial consumed you.

"Its hard,” you finally managed to say, your attitude vanishing. Inside you felt your heart breaking and you were on the verge of tears. You knew everything he was saying was true. Most of the pain you’ve been through was because of your choices. You did this to yourself, you caused this. Tears pricked your eyes but you wouldn’t allow them to fall.

"I know its hard for you. But you’re going to have to deal with it, do something. He’s never going to do anything because he has no idea whats going on and you’re not allowing him to get close to you. (y/n), anything is better than sitting around feeling sorry for yourself all the time.” His words were harsh, more so than they’ve ever been. Sam was never like this with you. Somehow, you’d managed to completely break Sam Winchesters kindness towards you and it hurt; his tone was painful. It was as if he were soulless again. 

"Fuck you Sam,” you yelled. A tear slipped down your cheek and it was the first of many; after the first one fell, the rest acted like a waterfall. After you yelled at the younger Winchester, both Dean and Cas walked through the door. They were having a discussion of their own as they walked down the corridor towards you, but their conversation stopped as they heard your words. Both of them instantly turned to you, confusion gripping their faces as they saw you were crying.

“Whats going on?” Dean stepped forward, coming between you and his little brother. He glanced between the both of you, but you and Sam stared only at each other; waiting for the other to back off first.

“Hey!” Dean yelled, making you jump. Sam stayed silent, knowing you’d be the one to break first. He hated it resorted to this, but this was the only way.

“Nothing,” you spit out angrily, “I was just leaving.” You turned instantly, grabbing your coffee cup from the table with most of the contents still inside. Instead of taking it to the sink like a civilized individual, you threw it as hard as you could towards the sink; shards scattering everywhere as the class mug contacted the metal lining. 

“Come on!” Dean called after you, you could tell he was becoming annoyed too. But you honestly didn’t care. You were done with Winchesters for now.

“Cas lets go,” you mumble, grabbing your bag from where it sat near the entrance, as you continued to walk towards the garage. He gave a quick glance back to the brothers before following you. He had no idea what was going on or what would happen in the future. You and Sam never fought, fighting was always saved for you and Dean. But even then you never threw things or even cried while you yelled. You were pissed, Cas could tell that much.

When you and Cas left the room, Dean turned back to his brother. Curiosity covering his features.

“What the hell was that?” he demanded an answer. Sam’s tense figure fell and his body relaxed, features changing from mad to calm.

“You were right,” he gave, walking towards the sink to clean up the broken pieces of glass. Dean furrowed his brows, wondering what in the hell he possibly meant.

“Cas needs to go on that trip with her,” he added.

“Yeah, that was the plan. She asked him to,” Dean explained as if Sam didn’t already know.

“He is going with her but she was starting to flake out. She needed a push so I took your lead,” Sam gave, throwing the pieces in the trash while wiping out the sink with a paper towel.

“What kind of push did you resort to, man?” Dean’s serious facade fell now that he knew kind of what was going on. Like Cas, he too knew this wasnt normal behavior.

“I reminded her of the truth. This time I didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear, I told her what she needed to hear. She’s in love with him, Dean. This isn’t just a little crush or an infatuation, this is way more than that and deep down she knows it. She’s just afraid to admit it, even to herself.” Sam faced his brother as he explained what you were going through. All Dean could do was nod, knowing that Sam would of done what needed to be done and nothing wouldn’t of happened unless it absolutely needed to.

“Okay,” Dean agreed, nodding his head once more as he broke eye contact.

“Are you ready to head out?” Sam quizzed, throwing the paper towel in the trash.

“Yeah, let me grab my bag,” Dean shuffled towards his room, replaying what Sam told him in his mind. Things between you and Cas needed to work out, he knew that much. 

—

As you drove, you kept your eyes on the road and your mouth shut. When you and Cas had got into the car, you sped away from the bunker, driving a little faster than you should of been. Occasionally, you could feel Cas sneaking glances at you and you knew he was curious as to what happened.

“Do you want to listen to the radio?” you snapped, instantly regretting how you’d said it. Cas looked up at you for a second before glancing down, shifting in his seat uncomfortably. It wasnt Cas’ fault. This mood you were in was because of Sam, you certainly didn’t need to take this out on Cas.

“Im sorry,” your tone changed drastically, and Cas could feel that you meant your apology. 

“What did he do?” he managed to ask and before you knew it, the tears were back; cascading down your cheek as your lips began to tremble. Its not what Sam did, well not completely. The way he was to you just now was more than you could handle, that just wasnt your Sam. However, what made you cry this time was the way Cas worded his question. It wasnt what Sam did, he had nothing to do with it. It was you… all of it. You were the one pushing Cas away all these years, you were the one that asked Sam to stay quiet, you were the one hurting yourself; over and over and over. The fact was, you were the one breaking your own heart because you were afraid of Cas’ reaction; of how he would take it. You were afraid Cas would reject you and it was something you didn’t want to admit. So it wasnt Sam’s fault, had he of known that you were afraid of rejection, he might not of just went off on you like he did. But he didn’t know, you didn’t tell him because you didn’t even want to admit it. All these years you’d pushed Cas away, blaming your broken heart on him. But how was he to of known? Sam was right, you did push Cas away; you wouldn’t let him in and you only let him in on the things you wanted him to know about you.

“Cas…, when’s my birthday?” Another tear streamed down your face as you looked over at him. He was clearly worried, you could tell that much, but you knew it was probably from the tears; you’d never let him see you cry before and now you were. His head tilted in confusion and you knew he had no clue, you were just making a point to yourself. *He knows what you want him to know* Sam’s exact words echoed in your mind.

“I dont… Im uncertain,” he watched you for a second, processing everything inside his head as if he should know when your date of birth was.

“It is not today, is it?” he questioned, his full attention on you. “Is this why you and Sam are fighting?” Glancing back over to him from the road, you shook your head no. Your lips were trembling again and the tears were completely blurring your vision, giving you no choice but to pull over.

“No, thats not why were fighting Cas,” you explain, wiping your eyes after you shifted the car into park.

“(y/n)?” he questioned, concern coating his voice.

“Do you mind driving for a while?” wiping your eyes again, you held your head in your hands as you awaited your answer.

“Sure,” he agreed almost immediately and you heard the sound of his seatbelt un-click. Opening his door, he walked around the car while you climbed over the shift into the passenger seat. Both of you buckled and Cas turned his focus to the road, looking behind him so he knew when he had time to slip back onto the highway. Seconds later, the car was rolling on again. Cas didn’t ask you any more questions as you rode, but you knew he kept sneaking glances at you again. Your lip eventually stopped trembling, but you continued to cry. You shouldn’t of left things the way they were with Sam. You wanted to call him and tell him he was right. But you knew that wasnt Sam. If anything it was a psychological test to get you to understand exactly what you were feeling and for you to realize the lies you kept telling yourself. Sam was right and it was time for you to let Cas in. The brothers were right, you and Cas needed this week together.

“(d/m/yr).” you whispered, fiddling your fingers as you watched the road ahead. Cas turned to watch you, squinting in confusion.

“What?” he asked softly, looking back and forth from the road to you.

“That’s my birthday, (d/m/yr),” you swallowed, moving your gaze over to meet his. Sure, it wasnt the first time you talked to him, but it kind of felt like a new beginning. It was the first thing you’ve told him about yourself since you’ve realized what you’ve been doing, and it was a start.

“Oh...Happy birthday (y/n),” he spoke almost sadly. You could tell he was still worried about the fight you and Sam had.

"Thank you Cas, but usually you wait until its the actual day, silly,” you chuckled, not being able to keep the humor away.

“I haven’t wished you a happy birthday before and you’ve had nine birthdays since I’ve known you. Im sorry for missing them all,” he explained with a slight frown. Your smile dropped at the reality of his words. Maybe Cas cared a lot more than you’ve thought.

“Hey,” you turned in your seat, eyes drying up slowly but your eyelids were still rimmed with redness.

“Cas, its okay. Its not your fault that you didn’t know,” you explained.

“Its mine,” you admitted to yourself.


	4. Problems With The Reservation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Cas have a little talk to clear a few things up. Once things are semi-settled you arrive at the hotel and realize something is wrong with your previous reservation.

“(y/n),” Cas called, rubbing your shoulder to awake you. Your eyes peered open slowly, your mind resurfacing as you assumed you must have fell asleep while he was driving.

“Cas, is everything okay?” you sat up, taking in all of your surroundings. His hand on your shoulder remained as he nodded.

“Its around lunch, you need to eat. All you had this morning was a cup of coffee, which you and I both know you barely drank,” he responded, concern still evident. The scene from this morning playing over in your head once more. Did you actually throw the mug? Really? You wanted to explain yourself but you knew you couldn’t. How were you supposed to? Not to mention, your stomach growled when he recommended food. You were quite hungry.

“Okay,” you agreed, moving so you could undo your seat belt. His hand slid from you when you opened the door, both of you getting out of the car to go inside. 

“I hope this is okay,” Cas alleged, stepping ahead to catch the door for you.

“Its good Cas, thanks,” you smiled, his kindness warmed your heart.

"If I remember right, were about half way there?” You ask, glancing over your shoulder to make sure he was there. He nodded, watching and following as you walked down the first isle at the convenience store. Your eyes scanned over the snacks you had to choose from, subconsciously feeling Cas’ eyes glued to you.

“Aren’t you going to get something too?” Turning to watch him as he did you. He blushed, dropping his gaze immediately and you couldn’t help but tilt your head and smile. He really was adorable.

“You, Dean and Sam usually grab the snacks, I stay in the car,” he responded, instantly reminding you that he’d never done this before. You and Dean always swapped between pumping the gas and helping with snacks. Since Cas had been human, the three of you had continued your routine, picking up a snack for Cas along the way.

“Oh,” you thought more about it for a second. When you went into the stores all those times, Cas never knew what he wanted so the brothers always selected his.

“What would you like, Cas? You can choose from anything in here,” you explain, a warm smile forming on your lips letting him know he had a choice. He watched you carefully before looking at the shelf behind him and then back to you.

“What do you like?” he asked, arms dangling at his sides. *Well, I really like you,* you thought, immediately pushing it away. Without overthinking it, you reached down and grabbed his hand. Turning immediately and pulling him right behind you without saying a word. You had managed to walk to the other side of the store with his hand in yours, before you released it. Standing in front of the loaves of bread, Cas looked down at you questionably.

“Were going to have pb&j’s for lunch. If thats okay with you,” you announced, a smile mindlessly creeping upon his face.

“I would like that,” his teeth now showing as his smile grew from ear to ear. You knew Cas loved these sandwiches and you wanted to do something nice for him. Especially since the way you acted earlier, he shouldn’t of saw any of that and you shouldn’t of yelled at him. After grabbing the bread, you found the peanut butter and jelly, before you made your way to the counter. Cas slipped back outside to get the gas while you paid. 

“Y’all are cute,” the girl behind the counter whispered, looking between you and Cas as he walked outside. Your eyes widened at her remark, completely taking you by surprise.

“Were just friends,” you tried a smile but failed miserably. She gave you sad frown, realizing how those three words hurt you. You didn’t even know her and she could tell, how could Cas not see it?

“Does he know?” the cashier asked as she rang up the items before putting them in the sack.

“Its complicated,” you said gently. No you didn’t know this girl, but you didn’t care. At least she was being friendly and not ogling over Cas.

“Well, I hope things look up for ya,” she held a hopeful smile as she handed the sack over You finished paying and made your way back out to the car. Cas was still pumping the gas as you approached, instantly seeing the frown you still carried on your face.

“Whats wrong?” he tilted his head the way he did every single time he asked that specific question.

“Nothing, I’m fine,” your voice low as you walked towards the drivers side, “I think I’ll drive for a while.” After slipping into the seat and shutting the door, you sat the sack on the middle console and rested your head against the steering wheel. This whole thing was a terrible idea. Sooner or later, Cas would find out everything and you weren’t sure you were going to be able to deal with that. You loved him but you were afraid of him, afraid that he’d break your heart and not even notice. The last nine years were on you, because Cas had no idea how you felt. But once he knew and rejected you, thats when it would be on him. Not that that made any sense either, you can’t help who you love and who you don’t. If he didn’t feel the same it wouldn’t be his fault. First it was the boys and now it was the cashier here at the gas station, everything was going back and forth and your thoughts were endless as you examined the possibilities of what was to come.

“You’re not fine. You were happy, even if it was for only a second. Now, you’re not fine again,” he shared once he sat down and shut the car door. Lifting your head, you turned to him. Eyes searching his as your face held worry.

“Cas,” you started.

“You haven’t been fine for a while. You’re distant with me, I know that much, but what happened this morning with you and Sam? Thats not being ‘fine’. I know you , but I know what ever happened this morning, neither of you meant to hurt each other,” he spoke, each word falling from his lips carefully as he gaged your reaction. Your eyes began to water but you kept the tears from escaping this time. 

“Please stop,” you whisper. You felt like your insides were caving in and it was getting hard to breathe. You knew you and Sam would be fine, Cas was right and you knew neither of you meant to hurt each other; though the words that were said needed to be shared. What broke you this time was Castiel’s recognition of the distance you kept between the two of you.

“I don’t mean to push you away,” you stared straight ahead of you now, unable to look at him. You could feel his eyes on you, questioning you but remaining silent for a few moments.

“What do you mean?” he questioned, scrunching his brows in confusion.

“I can’t tell you,” you mumbled, glancing down at the keys in your lap.

“Why?” he asked almost mute.

“Cas,” you sighed, grabbing the keys and starting the car; signaling that this conversation was over.

“I know why. I just want you to say it,” he gave as you were about to put the car in drive.

“What?” you barely managed as you turned to face him. You couldn’t breath, it was as if he knocked the wind out of you just with his words. His blue eyes peered into yours but he didn’t say anything else, he was waiting.

“Cas, what are you talking about?” your tone was sheer panic. Did he really know? Oh Chuck…. Surely if he did, he would of mentioned it, right?

“I thought by you asking me to accompany you, you had let go of the past. I see now that I was wrong… and clearly you wanted Sam,” he responded, turning to look out of the window. If you weren’t mistaken, his eyes held sadness. But what did he mean about the past? And what was this about Sam?

“What?” you had so many questions just from his last statement, you weren’t sure which one to ask first. He still didn’t look at you, his head only lowering as he examined the door handle.

“What do you mean I wanted Sam?” you pressed, after his silence you realized you wanted to understand what he meant about the younger Winchester.

“Thats why you were fighting earlier, is it not? Because he didn’t want to come to the wedding?” Castiel was sure he knew exactly what was going on.

“No, Cas no. Sam was going to help Dean with the case.” you insisted.

“But he could have gone with you and I could have gone with Dean."

"Yea, he could’ve, but he didn’t. Dean could’ve also came and you could’ve went with Sam. But things didn’t happen that way,” you addressed, slightly confused at what he was getting at.

"And thats why you’re upset and fought with Sam?” He watched you, brows furrowed as his hands rested in his lap.

"I wasnt fighting with Sam because he wouldn’t come with me. We were arguing over something else.” you interjected.

“But it was him that you wanted to come with you?” Why was he saying all of this?

“Castiel no, I just needed someone to come with me. I didn’t mind who it was as long as I didn’t have to come alone. Why are you so upset about this?"

"You shouldn’t fight with Sam,” his tone was sharp and clipped as his eyes finally met yours. If you didn’t know any better, he kind of looked aggravated.

“I know Cas, but why do you keep mentioning Sam? I fight with Dean all the time. Sometimes people need to have fights to get their feelings out,” you explained, not fully understanding his tone.

"But you like Sam,” he stated simply, as if that backed up his last sentence.

“Yeah, and I like you and Dean too,” you state, watching him curiously.

“(Y/n), you tolerate me and you get along with Dean, but you have feelings for Sam,” he answered, not bothering to look at you, “ and he has feelings for you too.” His observation made you freeze. How could he think you and Sam had feelings for each other? Why would he think that? Not only that, but apparently you just tolerate him?

“First off, I don’t just tolerate you. You’re apart of our family, Cas, you’re more to me than just tolerable. Second, me and Sam are just friends I promise you. I don’t like him romantically, he’s like my brother and so is Dean."

“I see,” he gave, still not bothering to glance up.

“Cas, me and Sam had a misunderstanding this morning, thats all. I’m not upset that he and Dean are going to solve a case, I’m just happy that you’re here with me. Honestly, thats all that matters. I’ve done things that have confused you, I know you realize that I’m not as close to you as I am with Sam and Dean. But believe me when I say, Im really happy its you that came with me. And I know what you’re thinking, I asked them first and you last, but like I said last night I always go to them first its a force of habit,” you explained. None of which you said was a lie, but you weren’t being completely honest either.

“You promise you’re no longer upset with the things Ive done?” he perked up a little but he was still cautious. The whole conversation was ironic to you, usually he was the one to question but everything he said was leaving you even more confused than before.

“Why would I be upset with what you’ve done,” pondering your thoughts, you tried to piece together what on earth he could possibly be thinking.

“Everything in the past, thats why you don’t trust me,” he proceeded, tilting his head in question as he awaited your answer.

“I trust you Cas. If you’re referring to me being so distant, it has nothing to do with what you’ve done. Everyone makes mistakes and I certainly don’t judge you for making yours, you thought you were doing the right thing; who am I to judge you for that?"

"Then why?"

"If you really want to know, its because I have trouble letting people in. Its taken years for me and the boys to reach where we are, and that was with being around them every single day. When you were an angel, you were around but not nearly as often; especially like you are now. I need you to know that I am trying. Im trying really hard for you, both Dean and Sam thought this trip would be good for the both of us to learn more about each other. More so, for you to learn about me, but for the both of us nevertheless. So to put your insecurities to rest, I do not have feelings for Sam and everything between me and him will be fine; I needed someone to come with me and you were the one to accept my offer; I am glad that you decided to come because even when I like to let Dean know he’s wrong, I agree that this trip will be good for us; I trust you and I don’t judge you from the choices you’ve made in the past, okay?” You gave, hoping he would find comfort from your words and stop second guessing himself.

“Okay,” he agreed, his lips turning up slightly as he nodded.

“Okay,” you smiled a little to, happy that things were settled; at least for now.

“For the record, Im happy. Right now, sitting here with you and talking… its a step closer to where we should be. And for that, I am happy,” you explain, looking him straight in the eyes. His smile grew where it was evident across his features.

“Now what do you say, we eat some PB&J's and listen to some tunes. I think I can speak for the both of us that we each need to relax a little,” you grinned as he nodded. He began making the sandwiches as you pulled back onto the highway. Throughout the drive, you expected him to take a nap, but he stayed awake with you; listening to the radio and watching out his window as you followed the gps. 

When you arrived in your hometown, you called your sister to let her know you had made it. Her and her fiancé were discussing the final preparation decisions tonight, so you wouldn’t see her until tomorrow. Deciding you might swing by and see your parents later, you stopped by your hotel to check in. After you parked, you and Cas grabbed the bags and headed inside.

“Good afternoon, welcome to our hotel. What can I do for you?” the receptionist greeted as you and Cas entered through the doors. You smiled as you approached her, Cas staying behind you closely.

“Hi, were here to check into our room,” you explain, digging through your wallet so you could validate the card you’d used online.

“Okay, whats your name?” he asked, smiling kindly.

“(y/n) (y/l/n),” you gave, glancing over your shoulder as you waited the guy to search your name. Cas seemed to be staring a hole through him.

“Alright miss (y/l/n), let me pull up your reservation,” he informed, scanning over his desktop. 

"I can’t seem to find a record of your reservation. Did you book directly through us or from within a travel agency?”

“No, I booked through you. I have the receipt from the deposit I paid,” you explain, opening the side of your bag to find the paper. Cas’ glare deepened as the receptionist waited for your slip. 

“Here you go,” you stood, handing him the paper as you began noticing Cas’ tension.

“Thank you,” his eyes slowly moved from you as he viewed the paper.

“Ah, it looks like there was a problem with the system,” he explained, moving his focus over to his computer as he began typing vigorously.

“We don’t have any more rooms available under what you previously reserved. However, I can upgrade you to one of our king suits, no extra charge,” he finished typing to await your response. What did he mean king suite? The room you originally booked had been a room with two twins…. Just then, your phone began to ring and you automatically answered it.

“Hey lovebird,” Dean chuckled and you rolled your eyes.

“Dean, not now. I’ll call you back later.”

“Hey wait, did you make it down there?” He straightened up and you shook your head, turning to hand the phone to Cas. 

“Will you talk to him?” Cas nodded and took the phone from you, taking a few steps back but watching you closely.

“Sorry,…what does that entail exactly?” you ask about his previous question.

“Our king suite comes with our king mattress, full kitchen and master bath,” he explained

“So theres only one bed?” You didn’t miss the wave of nausea that ran through you, your nerves skyrocketing.

“Yes, the double bed rooms are full. We have our two kings and our two queen suites available, both options are single beds. I can upgrade you for the king suite free of charge but if you wanted another room, I’d have to charge full price on the second room,” he explained, and you let out a sigh. Glancing back at Cas, he was still talking to Dean but he was still watching you. Of course, he probably had no idea what was going on, but soon he would figure it out. 

“Okay, the king will work,” you succumb. Neither one of you needed a huge room to yourselves, so you were just going to deal with it.

“Alright, here is a list of our amenities and what times they open and close. Could I see an I.D. please?” You handed him your license and in exchange he gave you your registration form.

“Okay, you’re good to go. Here’s your room keys, your room number is 367. If you follow this hall, the elevator will be towards the end. When you get off the elevator on the third floor, take a left. Your room will be on the right hand side,” he informed with a welcoming smile.

“Thank you,” you nodded, turning around to get Cas’ attention. He was still glaring daggers towards the man and you waived your hand to get his attention.

“What does Dean want?” you asked as the two of you walked down the hall. Cas pulled the phone from his ear and handed it to you.

“Hey,” you greeted, your annoyed tone from earlier had completely vanished.

“I was just making sure you made it down there. Were there complications with the room?” he questioned genuinely.

“Yea…, about that,” you say, looking up at Cas. He held the same question in his eyes, wondering what had happened.

“Dean, I’ll call you back later,” you announce, hanging up before he had the chance to say anything else. You and Cas exited off the elevator and you walked straight to the room, not sure exactly how you were going to break the news. After sliding you room key, your door opened but hesitated; stopping directly in your tracks.

“Are you okay?” he finally asked, your strange behavior with Dean and now this was starting to worry him.

“Yea, I just… There were complications with the room and this is what was available,” you explained, knowing you weren’t telling him everything.

“Okay,” he gathered, still confused at what was going on with you. Letting out a sigh, you pushed the door open and walked into the big room. Both of you stood in the entrance as you took in the sight before you. The bed was set up by the back wall and as you walked in the door, you were in the kitchen, the bathroom was to your left. In the kitchen, there was a table that sat three people and over by the bed there were two chairs. Glancing over at Cas, you had a hard time reading his expression.

“This is a lot different than where we normally stay,” he explained, eyes tracing the huge room.

“It is,” you couldn’t help but notice and look around too. The four star hotel was definitely different than the ones you stayed in while hunting. When your vision made it back to Cas, you noticed him staring at the bed and a deep blush rose on your cheeks.

“That's one of the complications,” you cleared and he cast his eyes over to you, “there’s only one bed.”

“I can sleep on the floor,” he immediately insisted.

“What? Cas no, are you crazy? I asked you to come with me, you’re sleeping in the bed. I’m not going to make you sleep in the floor.”

“I don’t want you sleeping on the floor either,” he retorted, face holding no humor. Sighing again, you pinched the bridge of your nose with your fingers.

“I thought we could both sleep on the bed. It is after all two twin mattresses, they’re just made together into one big mattress. I mean, if thats okay with you. They didn’t have any other rooms available with two beds so this is what they gave us.”

“Okay,” he simply stated, not really answering a specific question. He sat his bags on one of the chairs, sifting through it to find the sandwich bread, jelly and peanut butter you had bought earlier. Watching him for a moment, you finally spoke up as he opened the refrigerator to place the jelly.

“Okay?” you didn’t know exactly what he meant. Peeking up from the door, he saw your confused look and stood normally, watching you closely.

“We can share,” he explained, tilting his head as you didn’t seem sure, “ If you’re okay with that too.” Your eyes widened and the blush resurfaced to your cheeks.

“Yea, of course. That will work.” Cas observed you, confused as to why you were becoming so red.

“I think I’m going to go take a quick shower. Were going to have diner with my parents tonight,” you explain, still flustered. 

“Alright, I’ll take one after you,” he announced, bending back down to mess with the degrees on the refrigerator again. Before you had the chance to meet his gaze again, you grabbed your bag and flew to the bathroom, closing the door quickly behind you. You needed to get yourself together before you made things weird.


	5. Family Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Cas are having dinner over at your parents tonight... what could go wrong?

You had took your time in the shower, your thoughts were relentless and they wouldn’t leave you alone. When you got out of the bathroom, you put your dirty clothes away and Cas swapped you places. You sat on the bed as you could hear him turn the water on, wondering just how magnificent and wondrous he must look under all of those clothes. Immediately you shook your head and stood up, pushing the thought from your mind as you looked for your phone.

“Hey there love dove, you enjoying your trip?” Dean chided through the phone. You had called him this time so at least you were a little prepared for his shenanigans. 

“Very funny Dean, that's real comical,” you express hastily.

“You’re not in your regular playful mood, what’s wrong with you kiddo?” This time he was being serious. He figured you’d be having a great time.

“Dean, the reservations were messed up when we got here,” you explained. 

“What?” you could hear Sam question your situation in the background.

“What happened?” Dean pushed, curious for an answer.

“I don’t know, the guy in receptions said their systems must of glitched or something when I reserved the room,” you explain, moving into the kitchen as you became restless.

“So, do y’all not have a room?” Sam spoke up again, his annoyance from this morning completely dismissed.

“No..., we have a room,” you answered hesitantly.

“Then what's the problem kiddo?” Dean fished.

“Well… the room I originally reserved was for two twins.”

“Okay…, what did they give you?” Sam questioned, curiosity lacing his words.

“The king suite,” you responded. You could hear Dean gave a huff of annoyance.

“You’re telling me you’re upset because they gave you a king suite room, in a four star hotel? Does any of that sound off to you Sammy?” Dean expressed.

“The king suite only has one bed, Dean,” you explained with a know-it-all tone.

“Oh,” Sam whispered, aware of what your situation had become. Dean began to chuckle.

“It’s not funny Winchester! I can’t do this,” you claim, running your hand through your wet hair.

“(Y/n), hey, calm down. It's going to be okay,” Sam responded in a tone you were looking for. Dean however…

“Sammy, if she gets pregnant while their gone, I told you so,” Dean laughed and your face became a furnace. 

“Dean,” Sam shook his head and shrugged at his brother, not that you noticed.

“We have to share a bed to sleep you pervert, no one said anything about sex,” you whisper shouted, talking low so Cas wouldn’t be able to hear you just in case.

“Exactly, then what's your problem? Besides, (Y/n) come on, you can’t tell us you haven’t ever thought about it,” Dean replied, your hesitation only fueled his teasing.

“Can we please not talk about…sex with Cas? I'm already freaking out and this is just about sharing the same bed to sleep in,” you sigh. You couldn’t lie or yell at the Winchester because you had in fact thought about it. A couple times.

“You’re going to be fine,” Sam spoke up before his brother could retaliate. 

“Where is Romeo anyway?” Dean questioned seriously.

“Please don’t call him that…, he’s in the shower,” you rolled your eyes.

“Why aren’t you in there with him?”

“Dude, seriously. Enough,” Sam spoke up for you, putting Dean in his place. Though you wish he had done so sooner, you could hear Cas had just turned the water off.

“Shit… I have to go,” you hung up, not even bothering to wait for their goodbyes. Walking back over to your bag, you sat on the edge of the bed with your phone in your hands. Out of nowhere, your phone began to ring. You thought it might have been Dean again, but the caller ID proved you wrong.

“Hey mama,” you smile.

“Hey sweetheart! Did y’all make it in?”

“Yeah, we're just cleaning up. Are we still on for dinner at the house?” you question her as Castiel opened the bathroom door. You couldn’t look away and his eyes locked with yours. His hair was dripping water droplets and was completely disheveled. He noticed you were on the phone and his head notched slightly, your mother pulled you back to reality.

“(Y/n)?”

“Yeah, what’s up?” you shake your head, looking away from him out of guilt.

“Your father invited your sister and they will be here around six. Of course you're welcome to come early… we're anxious to meet your little suitor.”

“Mom,” you can’t help but blush at her words, wishing you weren’t having to lie about this whole thing and that it was true.

“What? You’ve only been talking about him for years now,” she reminded you. Shit. You completely forgot about telling them; all of them, about everything. You’d told them all about Cas, so when you said you were coming with him, of course they had to remember… great; this was perfect...

“Yeah…,” you tried laughing off but failed completely. Cas turned to you in question, “…he’s anxious to meet you too,” you lied. You had no idea, outside of your agreement, why Cas would want to meet your family. But you couldn’t exactly say that.

“Okay hun, we’ll see you soon.”

“Alright mom, love you.”

“I love you too, sweetie,” she hung up and you were forced to bring the phone down to your lap, eyes anywhere but at Cas.

“Everyone’s excited to meet you,” you say, your head bowed with your eyes trained on your lap.

“They know about me?” he asked softly, turning his full focus to you and left his bag alone.

“Yeah, I’ve told them a little bit,” you lie. You’ve told them a lot, except a few minor details about hunting and him being an angel of course. But that was when he still was an angel, though even now you love him nonetheless.

“But also because I’ve never brought someone home before,” you explain, standing from the bed to grab your brush from your bag.

“How come?” Your eyes traveled up his clothed form until you met his gaze. Absentmindedly you shrugged.

“I dated this guy when I was in high school. Erin Andrews…” you share, looking nowhere in general as you backtracked your memories.

“Any way, we were together all four years and everyone thought we were going to be that couple… high school sweethearts or whatever. Everyone would always say things like ‘y’all are cute’ or ‘y’all are so good together’. Everyone paid attention to our public displays of affection and thought we were a match made in heaven; hell, so did I. We said I love you, we did things for each others family, we even got a dog together,” you laugh, realizing now how silly you were back then.

“What happened,” Castiel was intrigued so you continued.

“I honestly thought I loved him; that he was the one. And then, on the night before our graduation, he came and said he needed to talk to me. Turned out the dick was sleeping with another girl in the next town over and she was pregnant,” you stood still, replaying that moment in your life.

“I’m sorry,” Cas apologized, pulling you from the horrid memory. Of course he would apologize for something he didn’t even do or have control over.

“Don’t be. I didn’t actually love him… at the time I thought I did. Hell at the time, it felt like he completely broke me; he’s why I started hunting in the first place. My best friend, growing up knew Bobby, he was her fathers friend. So I had been over there a few times when Sam and Dean were there. Of course I didn’t get to know them right away, it took a while. But when Erin did what he did, I just drove straight to Bobby’s. Didn’t even mention where I was going and I didn’t think twice about it. No one blamed me after they found out, I mean, a small town like this, the news spread like wildfire. So I went to Bobby, told him I wanted in. Of course he told me to go home, that this wasn’t the life I was supposed to live and that I needed to come back and walk the stage with a smile on my face as I received my diploma the next day. However, the boys were in town visiting and when they left I went with them. Ever since then, I come back occasionally to see my family. I try not to come too much so they don’t get caught up in any of this. Its kinda weird really..., lying to them has become such a regular thing I feel like I’m truly living a double life.”

“What do you mean?” Cas questioned, moving closer to you.

“They think I went to college and got a bachelors in communications. When in reality, I was with Sam and Dean learning latin so that I could perform exorcisms. They think I travel a lot with my job, which isn’t exactly a lie but I can’t exactly tell them I hunt and kill monsters or even occasionally help save the world. And then of course, there’s you. My wonderful, amazing boyfriend whom I live with. We share a home together in Lawrence when we're not on the road working, just in case you didn’t know,” you smile, shaking your head at yourself. What a perfect little world you’d created; a fictional world that absolutely would never exist, but your family was safer this way.

“They don’t know the truth?” Cas asked clearly concerned that you’ve been lying to them.

“They know, I just give them the details in a way that won’t complicate things,” you insisted.

“What if you were to die?” He pressed, his mouth pressed together flatly.

“Well thankfully I haven’t yet,” you dismissed with a slight snicker.

“You shouldn’t lie to them,” Cas spoke seriously, looking you straight in the eye without any humor.

"Cas it's not your place to worry about it. Besides, you lie quite often I might add,” you sigh, rolling your eyes as you began brushing through your hair.

“I've made mistakes, yes. But we’ve talked about this,” he talked to you as if you were clearly in the wrong, not bothering to see your side.

“Lying isn’t a mistake, it's a choice. I’ll do what it takes to keep my family safe and if that means choosing to lie to them, I’ll do it a thousand times over,” you defend. You knew your family was at risk every single time you came to see them. That's why you didn’t come often and you only called on special occasions, it was up to you to keep them safe. This was your decision, not his. 

“Fine,” he glared; the same way he always looked at Dean when the Winchester wouldn’t come to his reasoning.

“Castiel, that's all you’re going to say?” you raise, Cas had never talked to you this way; ever. He wasn't angry but clearly he was annoyed with you.

"What do you want me to say?” he eased up on his tone, stopping what he was doing and giving you his full attention.

“I just want you to understand,” you shook your head slightly as you explained what you wanted; not understanding for yourself why he didn’t get it.

"Well I don’t. Anything could happen to you and they would have never known the truth. Do you not think they deserve to know?"

“I think sometimes..., things are better left unsaid,” you whisper, eyes tearing slightly. Cas’ tone towards you was breaking your heart; he’d never talked to you the way he talked to Dean. Then again, you and Cas barely had long conversations before. Maybe that was one of the reasons you pushed him away, it made sense now. Though now you weren’t sure if you were still talking about you lying to your family or if you were referring to what you felt for him. 

"Because if someone spoke up, it could hurt them or someone else.” you finish, turning away from him as you finish combing through your hair. What were you doing? Arguing with Cas right before going to diner? Was that really such a good idea? Real smooth…

“I’m going to get some air. I’ll meet you downstairs when you’re ready,” you explain, grabbing your purse as you made your way to the door. Castiel had an opportunity to say something, but he remained quiet; causing an empty feeling in your chest. You shut the door behind you slowly, all ounces of fight that you had in you mere moments ago had vanished. The last 48 hours had been a complete mess and you had a full week ahead of you. When you made it into the hotel lobby, you sat at one of the breakfast tables. Originally you were going to go outside and get some air, but honestly you just needed out of that room. Anything was better than being trapped under his glaring stare.

It wasn’t long before Castiel came down from the elevator, searching for you as he entered the lobby. He didn’t see you through the windows outside, so he examined the room; finding you at the table, fiddling with your fingers. He hadn’t meant to get so upset with you earlier and he certainly didn’t mean to show his frustration. But after what you had said about your previous boyfriend, He couldn’t help but feel… angry, ...for what Erin had done; for how he hurt you, for pushing you into this life, it wasn't safe. Cas wasn’t an angel anymore, he couldn’t protect you like he used to. What if something were to happen to you?

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw him. Standing off to the side watching you but appearing to be lost in his thoughts. What could he possibly be thinking? Scooting your chair out, you stood and made your way over to him.

“Shall we go?” you asked plainly, no emotion present. He simply nodded and followed after you as you walked to the car. Your parents lived about ten minutes away from the hotel, in the same house you had grown up in; the place that held most of your childhood memories. The drive over seemed to take forever, neither you nor Cas spoke a word. He hadn’t said anything since before you had left the room, his silence consuming you. When you pulled into the driveway, it had just turned five o’clock as you turned off the ignition.

“I know you don’t agree with my choices…but can you just roll with it for now, until I can wrap my head around things? We're here for the wedding…I don’t want to draw attention to my life. This is her week and I don’t want to ruin her big day,” you give, a sense of ease and hopefulness in your word. Cas nodded, but he knew you weren’t looking at him. He wanted to talk to you about earlier, apologize even. But he didn’t know how. You had been silent the whole way over and he didn’t know how to approach the situation properly.

“Okay,” he agreed humbly, hoping you’d look up and meet his gaze. You couldn’t bring yourself to do it though, both of you had put each other in an awkward spot that neither of you knew how to get out of.

“(Y/n)!” you heard your mom gasp, her and your father standing upon their porch. Unbuckling, you opened your door to stand; Cas doing the same, following your lead.

“Hey momma!” you shout happily, jogging up to hug her tightly; putting all the tension between you and Cas behind you. She grabbed onto you and refused to let go, it had been a few years since you had been back. When she finally released you, you smiled at your father and pulled him into the same warm embrace.

“Hi sweetheart,” he greeted, squeezing you once more before letting go. As you turned back to your mother, you noticed she was taking in the sight as he approached the three of you.

“You must be Cas,” she smiled, stepping towards him to offer a hug. He looked to you for reassurance and you nodded, watching him as he encased your mother in his arms softly.

“It a pleasure to meet you,” he gave, flashing her a smile as they each pulled away. Your father was next for greeting and he stuck his hand out for Cas to shake.

“Cas,” he stated while shaking.

“Sir,” Cas nodded, leaving you absolutely astounded. Dean had mentioned that his people skills had become better; the Winchester wasn’t wrong.

“Alright, y’all come in. We’re still getting dinner ready, your father’s just about finished with the burgers,” your mother explained as you, Cas, and your father followed her inside.

“Would you like me to set the table?” you asked.

“That would be lovely,” she turned, smiling over at you and then to Cas. You moved around the kitchen as you had when you lived here. Everything remained in the same place. Castiel watched as you moved gracefully, gathering the utensils, napkins and plates.

“So Cas, what do you think of our (y/n)’s hometown?” your mom asked kindly as she prepared the bowl of salad. Castiel shifted his stance before answering her question.

“It's quite welcoming,” he addressed. Your eyes shifted up immediately meeting his. He looked a little nervous and you couldn’t help but smile. He was just too cute. Your mother turned and watched the two of you; she could tell he was nervous as well. Glancing over at her, you watched her for a moment. At least she was steering clear of awkward questions or even talking about what you had told her about Cas all these years. Though, sooner or later, someone was going to mention something you’d said about him.

“There she is!” you turned and smiled halfheartedly as your sister made her way to you. As she wrapped you in a hug you saw Jim, her fiancé, follow behind her through the threshold; granting you a warm smile. Both of them had grown up together in school and they were great friends. It wasn't until a year after he went off to college that he came back to ask her out, and here we were.

“Hi,” you beamed happily, waving your hand towards him as you hugged her back; you had been gone way to long.

“How are you?” She smiled curiously.

“I'm good. Look at you though, already getting married,” you teased, making you both laugh.

“Yeah, the last time you were here me and Jim had just started dating,” she turned back to send a grin to her soon-to-be husband. He stood beside her now, smiling all the same. 

“Well, I’d say he’s one lucky guy,” you grin back, pulling him in for a hug, “It's good to see you Jim.”

“You too (y/n),” he answered kindly. You were happy for your sister and you were even more thrilled that you and Jim got along; it made things easier. As Jim moved on to hug your mom, you caught your sisters smirk.

“Where is he?” Jenna snickered, apparently not noticing Cas as she entered the room. Looking past her, you slid your gaze over to him. You smiled at him, completely overlooking the argument from earlier and held your hand out for him to come and hold. She turned around and her smile grew as she took him in, eyes scanning over him; assessing him and getting a clearer picture of what you had been describing all these years.

“Hello,” he nodded towards her, slipping his hand into yours for the first time you gave a gentle squeeze that he returned.

“Wow (y/n), his eyes are really blue,” she stated. There it was, the first thing she said to him just had to be something you had mentioned before. There was no way you were getting out of this without him figuring things out.

“Hi, Im Jenna...,” she introduced with a wide grin, “…I’m sorry, I’m just surprised. (Y/n)’s been crushing on you for years and you finally asked her out. What took you so long?” she chuckled and you could feel your face heating up. Maybe he will follow along and go with it; maybe he’ll think its all apart of the lie. He tilted his head a little, confusion gripping him. You squeezed his hand again right as Jim reproached.

“Come on J, give the guy a break,” he smirked before moving his attention toward Cas. He held out his hand and Cas reciprocated, clearly still confused.

“I’m Jim,” he gave, “don’t mind her, she’s still upset about me taking so long.” You laughed as she elbowed him in the ribs.

“You took forever,” she scowled jokingly as Jim wrapped his arms around her, kissing her forehead softly. Your heart swelled at the sight of them; Jenna was really lucky. To say you were jealous would be an understatement though; why couldn’t you have Cas this way?

“Lets sit down and eat,” your father announced, carrying the plate of burgers. Your mother had placed all the toppings on the table to pass around like when you were growing up. Jenna and Jim scooted around the table to take their seats. You had turned slightly to do the same, when Cas squeezed your hand; pulling you back to realize you were still holding his. Nodding your head, you motioned him to follow you as you let go; you sat by your father, across from your sister with Cas next to you. As everyone was fixing up their burgers, Jenna sent a mischievous glance towards Cas and it felt like your stomach flipped.

“So, Cas… what’s that short for?” she chided, keeping her gaze upon him. From the corner of your eye, you saw him look up, acknowledging her question.

“Castiel,” he responded, not breaking her gaze. Jim glanced between them, uncertainty coating his features as he sent you a quizzical look.

“That’s really fancy,” your mother stated, sending a smile to Cas as he turned to her.

“It’s biblical,” your father claimed, “Is your family religious Castiel?” Cas froze, you knew he didn’t know what to say. You should have went over these kinds of questions with him on the way down here. 

“Not really. Cas’ father wasn’t around much, his brothers raised him,” you gave simply, turning to Cas and giving him a small smile.You placed your hand on his knee and gave a soft squeeze. When you moved to pull your hand back, his hand rested over yours; holding your touch to him.

“What about your mother?” Jenna questioned curiously without missing a beat.

“Jenna,” you call. She was not going to leave him alone. She would be the reason your whole charade fell apart...

“I didn’t have one,” Cas answered, not really lying… he didn’t actually have one. Just an absentee father and many, many winged siblings.

“I’m sorry,” your mother spoke, sending a glare to Jenna.

“It’s alright,” Cas reached over to grab and take a drink of his water.

“Well mr. hotshot, back to my main question. When did you finally ask (y/n) out? The last time I talked to her, she was still drooling over you and hadn’t done nothing about her little crush. And yet, here we are,” she quirked, eyebrow raised. Cas still had his hand against yours but his grip loosened as he heard her words; he even choked on his water a bit.

“What?” he watched her for a moment before turning to you. Sliding your hand from his knee successfully this time, you could feel your face become hot.

“Oh my gosh,” Jenna smiled as she looked between the both of you, “ you didn’t tell him, did you?” 

“Thanks Jen,” you mumble, not even bothering to glance over at Cas. Your father and mother were silent, but they were definitely sending each other glances as they watched you and Cas. They knew how you’ve felt for years, had you really not told him now that you were together?

“So Jim, how’s the Pirate’s coming along?” Your father asked, changing the awkward silence of a no good conversation. Jim coached a t-ball team on the weekends and the team name this year was the Pirate's. It was on of the reasons Jenna liked him, he was good with kids. To be honest, they were perfect for each other. They had a chance to live that fairytale life and they took it; it was something you ran away from long time ago. Protecting your family wasn’t the only reason you stayed away so much. It was seeing everyone you loved being loved by someone else; your father and mother loved each other, Jim and Jenna were in love, but you? What about you? You had a hopeless crush. Sure you had Sam and Dean, they loved you; but they loved you like your mother and father and Jenna loved you. At least you didn’t have to see them being with somebody though.

The rest of the dinner went smoothly. Of course the conversations were directed away from you and Cas, not that you minded. Both of you joined in on the other conversations, but you could still feel that awkward tension radiating from Castiel next to you. What was he going to do? Could you pull this off somehow so he didn’t find out? After everyone had cleared their plates, you helped Jim take everything to the kitchen; your sister and mother passing out dessert. 

“So he really doesn’t know?” Jim tilted his head over towards you as he washed the plates and you rinsed.

“I haven’t talked about it with him yet,” you explain, peering up at him. He chuckled a little and shook his head. “What are you laughing at?”

“Are you going to?” he asked, handing you another plate. With Jenna and him being friends for all these years, the both of you became closer too; he was your friend.

“Actually,” you began, wondering why the hell you were telling him this, “ Cas and I aren’t actually together.”

“Wait,” he paused, turning his torso completely to face you, “what?”

“It's complicated. But the short version, I didn’t want to come alone. Not to my little sister's wedding, especially since it's here in this town. I asked him to come with me and pretend we were together,” you sigh, not bothering to turn the water off.

“Seriously? Whoa, why are you telling me?” his eyes were wide and he had a small smile on his face.

“Because you’re my friend and I need your fiancé to cool it with the questions before he really finds out how I feel,” you gave with your brow raised. 

“Wow… very sly (y/n)…,” he smirked, “I’ll persuade her to stop.”

“Thank you,” you cast a sigh of relief and he chuckled again.

“I assume you’re wanting me to keep this under wraps?” he questioned, picking up another dish to clean it.

“Please. My goal is to make it back home without things turning to complete chaos,” you giggled and he shook his head, tapping you with his arm playfully.

“(Y/n)?” Cas’ voice rang and caught yours and Jim’s attention, making the both of you turn around.

“Can I talk with you? Alone?” Cas glanced at Jim with a look of annoyance and immediately you were wondering what was wrong; what had happened, what had Jenna said.

“Yeah,” you somehow manage, all the air leaving and your lungs seemingly collapse. Peering up at Jim, he nodded and handed you the last plate to rinse; smiling at Cas as he walked past to head back to the dining room.

“Whats up?” you question, facing the sink as you waited for the inevitable. Cas was silent for a minute, causing you to glance back to make sure he was still there.

“What did Jenna mean earlier?” his voice was stale and rigid.

“What do you mean Cas?” Play this off (y/n), you can do it.

“About… about you having a crush on me,” he stated. You sighed and closed your eyes as you turned off the sink and put the dish in the drying rack. Then you turned slowly to face him. Instantly his eyes were glued to yours, waiting for an answer.

“Cas… what she said earlier…,” how could you say this?

“What Jenna said earlier…. what she said was part of this,” you motion between him and yourself, “its part of the ‘relationship’ thing. It’s nothing more, I promise,” you insist. He drew his brows in confusion and his eyes fell from yours.

“She said you’ve had feelings for me for years…,” he addressed, refusing to look at you. Oh Cas… I have….I still do…I love you…always….

“It’s all apart of the game Cas. I had to make it believable…,” you said faintly, heart breaking more and more with the words you couldn’t seem to say. He finally looked up, features stoic as he nodded. You had to force yourself to smile; you’d done it a million times, but this time seemed to be the hardest one to pull off.

“What’s for dessert?” you asked, approaching him slowly.

“Apple pie,” he gave, eyes staring into you with what seemed to be sadness.

“Dean’s favorite,” you noted, “should we have a slice for him?” You ask hesitantly and he nodded once again. Sliding your hand in his before walking back into the dining room, you gave a small squeeze but he didn’t return it this time.


	6. I'm Sorry Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things between you and Cas haven't been going so well. You think maybe it's time for Dean to come get him.

The rest of the dinner went accordingly. The topic of conversation focused on the upcoming wedding, a couple times it strayed back to your childhood; recollecting silly memories of you and your sister. But other than that, everything was going great during the meal. Jenna never mentioned anything else that you’d said about Cas, thankfully. He seemed to be acting rather strange already now, any more comments might of made things worse. After dessert, you all moved into the living area and sat on the couches; talking a little more before Jenna and Jim needed to leave. With the wedding approaching, their days leading up to the big day were booked and they had an early start. You and Cas left not too long after. When you left, you could tell Cas was growing on your mother; she adored him the way she did Jim. She gave him the same look and warm, gentle smile. Your father, on the other hand, was still curious; still trying to figure Castiel out. 

The drive back to the hotel was basically the same as the drive to your parents. Neither you nor Cas spoke a word, leaving you to drive in silence. As the both of you rode the elevator to your floor, you couldn’t help but sneak a quick glance at him. He had participated in conversation with your family, but ever since the two of you were in the kitchen he’d been distant towards you. The elevator pinged, the door opened quickly after and Cas didn’t even wait for you; he walked straight for the room not even bothering to look back. Dragging your feet, you followed him all the way into the room; stopping at the doorway when you noticed he remained standing in the middle of the room. His back toward you and his head down, you weren’t really sure what was going on with him.

“(y/n),” he spoke softly, making you readjust your stance; waiting for him to turn around. To tell you what was wrong; god, you wanted him to tell you what was wrong. What was bothering him? But he didn’t turn around, he stood there for a few more seconds before moving over to his bag.

“I think we should go to sleep,” he finished, still not looking at you. Why wouldn’t he look at you? Why wouldn’t he acknowledge your presence? Why?

“Okay,” you somehow managed, bothered by the fact Cas was trying to pay you as little attention as possible. He took his bag and headed towards the bathroom, assuming to change. You stared at the closed bathroom door for what felt like forever before coming to your senses. Deciding you were thirsty, you walked into the kitchen and grabbed a glass from the cabinet; filling it to the brim with the tap. It wasn't the best water, but it definitely beat the tap from the motels you usually stayed at with the boys. When Cas came out of the bathroom, he wore a solid black tee and a pair of navy pj pants. You were leaned back against the counter, sipping on your water, when he sat his bag back down and headed towards the bed.

“Which side would you like?” his voice was rough, his back still to you as he waited for your answer.

“It doesn’t matter to me. You pick,” you gave, voice still low as if you were in the wrong. But what were you in the wrong about? Was all of this because of the fight before you left? Y’all were still fighting over that stupid conversation? Apparently… but why? Dinner had gone pretty well… hadn’t it? Cas didn’t say anything else to you. He pulled back the covers on the left side and slid onto the mattress; lying on his right side so he wasn't facing you yet again. Sighing, you dumped the rest of your water out before turning some of the lights off. Grabbing your bag, you headed into the bathroom to change and brush your teeth. When you were ready for bed, you hesitated on opening the door. You’d be lying if you hadn’t thought about sleeping in the bath tub. Sure it would be uncomfortable, but it would be more welcoming than what you were fixing to walk into. Not only that, but you were fixing to crawl in bed with Cas. Earlier when you had arrived, you were worried about your nerves and actually laying beside him but now? Cas wasn’t being very… well… he wasn't being normal Cas; his attitude made the whole atmosphere feel unsettling. 

You decided just to get it over with. Leaving your back on the counter, you made your way over to the bed; hovering over it for a moment before actually laying down. Twisting the light switch off, you rolled over; both of your backs facing each other as you rested your head against the pillow. You weren’t used to sleeping on your left side on the right side of the bed, but something was wrong and you didn’t want to complicate things. You laid there for what felt like forever, not being able to go to sleep. Sighing, you turned on your back and searched the ceiling for answers you knew weren’t there. If you wanted to know, you needed to find out from the source; this guessing game was getting old.

“Cas?” you whispered his name without completely thinking things through. He didn’t respond, whether he was actually asleep or still ignoring you, you weren’t actually sure.

“Cas?” you repeated. Still nothing.

“Castiel,” you spoke a little louder than the previous times and Cas’ breathing quieted. Turning your head to look at him to make sure he was in fact still breathing, you saw him shift a little.

“Hmm,” he hummed finally; at least it was something.

“Cas, I can’t sleep,” you answer, still gazing at the back of his head. You were becoming impatient with him, especially after you came to the realization he wasn't going to say anything to what you had just said. Sitting up, you switched the light on again before turning back him. He was starting to piss you off. Why the hell was he acting this way? You were a little caught up in the moment and before you knew it, you found yourself punching him in the back of the shoulder blade; instantly getting a reaction from him.

“(Y/n), what are you doing?” his brows were furrowed as he now sat up straight, holding his hand against his sore shoulder.

“Stop being a dick, Cas,” you raised. You were done, if he was going to pick a fight… well then he was going to have one.

“I’m not,” he raised with you. 

“Then you’re being an asshole,” you threw out.

“I am not being an ass,” he fought.

“Yes you are. You're being mean to me, you won’t look at me and now what? You aren’t talking to me? What the hell kind of behavior do you call that?” Your feelings were trying to betray you; your mind telling you to stand up for yourself but your emotions were screaming out with pain. What did you expect from a bruised heart? Cas watched you for a moment, noticing your anger alternating into a pained expression. His features from before vanished and his hand fell from his shoulder. He hadn’t meant to hurt you, honestly he didn’t know what he was doing nor that his actions were affecting you so critically. Cas was trying to get closer with you, but everything he did seemed to push you farther and farther away.

“Forget it. If you don’t want to do this, you don’t have to. I’ll go get another room and I’ll call Dean in the morning,” you explain briefly, getting out of bed and making your way to the door. Cas still didn’t know what to say but he knew he was running out of time. 

“(Y/n),” his voice sounded urgent, but you couldn’t turn around; your emotions got the best of you before you could even get out of the room and a few tears had already slipped down your cheek.

“I’m sorry,” he explained. 

"(Y/n)?” He called after you continued to head towards the door.

"It's fine Cas. I get it. I'm sure Dean wouldn't mind coming to get you,” you explain. He didn’t need to apologize for things not working between the two of you. It wasn't just him, this was your fault too. After unlocking the door, you walked out and Cas immediately came to his senses.

"I don’t want Dean to come get me. I want to stay,” he explained, chasing after you before you could get on the elevator.

"Cas this is what? Our second or third fight? And it's still the first day. We can’t do this,” you wiped your tears away as he came to stand in front of you, stopping from proceeding further.

"We’ll try harder,” he gave, tilting his head in concern as he notice you were crying.

"This isn’t working and you know it. No matter how hard we try, there will still be our differences drawing a fine line between us.” You tried to walk around him, but he stood firmly before you.

"You fought with Sam, but you are still friends with him,” he cleared, stating his observation without doubt.

"That's different, Cas,” you shrugged and placed your hand over your head, mostly to hide the falling droplets. 

“How.” Cas was clearly aware you were crying. It's not that he didn’t care, he knew your tears were on him; that he made you feel this way. He needed to sort this out so you didn’t have to stay here alone. He didn’t want you to make him go.

"You know how. Are you really going to make me say it? Me and you aren’t close. Maybe you were right..., maybe we do just tolerate each other,” you uncover your face, mouth in a straight line as you dried up your tears.

“No,” Cas’ tone wasn't one to reason with, he wasn't going to drop it; neither were you.

"No? Cas give me one good reason why you want to stay. You have no obligation to."

"I want to help you,” he insisted hastily.

“Why,” you crossed your arms over your chest, waiting to hear his answer.

“Because,” he claimed, not finishing his sentence as he watched you closely; still blocking the doors to the elevator.

"That's not a good enough reason,” you sigh. Why couldn’t he just drop it? Just have Dean pick him up and forget about the whole thing. Why was that so hard for him? Hell, it was harder for you to insist that he go. You truly wanted him there, but things between the both of you were beyond complicated. If he were to stay anyway, he’d find out how you felt. Maybe things were better this way; perhaps him leaving with Dean wasn't such a bad idea.

"I want to be your friend,” he claimed, pulling you from your little trance. His words echoed in your mind. Never in a million years could you have been prepared to hear that. Sure you wanted to be his friend, but you didn’t want to be put in the friend zone… you wanted way more than that.

"Cas…, I don’t want you as a friend…. I can’t have you as a friend,…. I’m sorry,” you shook your head disapprovingly. Why did he have to mention being a ‘friend’? Was that him trying to tell you something? It was Cas and if he was trying to say that you would only ever be his friend, he would’ve said it more bluntly.

"Excuse me? There was a call made to the front desk, is everything okay here?” You jumped as you heard the man behind Cas. While you had been lost in thought again, he must have come up through the elevator. Cas hadn’t paid no mind though, his full attention was focused on you. You peeked over his shoulder at the receptionist before Cas finally turned around to give him a once over.

"Everything’s fine, sorry,” you explain, turning to head back to the room. Cas followed right behind you, not speaking up until the both of you were back within the four walls in which this conversation had started.

"Why do you push me away?” He was searching for a straight answer; as if you had ever gave him one before when you came across this topic.

"I can’t tell you."

"Why? Do you not trust me?” He pressed. Earlier you said you did trust him, were you lying?

"Castiel I’ve told you, it's not because of what you’ve done,” you gave, knowing you didn’t fully answer his question and he would probably catch on. Cas watched you for a second, squinting again as his arms were held to his sides; his fingers fidgeting with a loose string on the bottom hem of his shirt.

"You don’t trust me,” he stated, worry in his tone.

"I don't trust what you’re going to do,” you backed your previous statement up. You trusted Cas to save you if you were in danger of a monster. But Cas couldn’t protect you from himself; he wasn’t a monster and he wouldn’t be aware that he was breaking your heart when he were to do it either. What's worse, having your heart broken by someone that knows how you feel or by someone that has no idea?

"Earlier, I was upset about what happened to you with Erin. I apologize for reacting the way I did, I shouldn’t have been that way with you,” his stance eases up, losing a little bit of the tension within him. 

"That's not what I’m talking about,” you whisper, confusing the poor guy even more than he already had been.

"Talk to me,” his tone was more of a request than a demand. He stood blocking the door as if you were going to leave again. You needed to though, you needed to go get another room, with another bed and you needed to call Dean. Not that you were sure he would even come to get Cas. With the way he’s been, he’d probably tell you to just fuck your problems out...

“I-I… can’t,” you mumble, eyes falling from his. You couldn’t bare to see the look of disappointment on his face.

"I wouldn’t talk to you just now and it upset you, for that I am sorry. Let my apology not be misleading, when I say it. (Y/n), when I was an angel, you hardly ever talked to me; you barely even noticed when I was there. I've never wanted to harm you, whether angel nor in my present state. I apologize for hurting your feelings, for… being an ass if you will.... Whatever you believe my intentions to be, you’re mistaken. I really do want to stay,” he spoke softly, approaching you slowly as he spoke. You couldn’t help but give in and sneak a glance at him. He didn’t seem disappointed. The way he apologized… you knew he meant it. And you knew he wasn't the type to want to hurt you either. But wanting and doing are two completely different things. Thinking about it, Dean definitely wasn't coming for Cas; he’d hang up on you just for asking and would refuse to answer any of your calls until you were back at the bunker a week from now. Not only that, but you really didn’t want Cas to go. You wanted him to know how you felt; if he didn’t feel the same, you needed to start moving on and letting go. It would be hard, unbelievably hard. And to be quite frank, you’d probably cry yourself to sleep every night for the rest of your life, because getting over Cas wouldn’t be something you’d be willing to do in reality. So maybe him finding out how you felt wouldn’t be your deciding factor to move on, but rather if you actually did have a chance at true happiness or if you were going to be this miserable for the rest of your life.

"Okay…just don’t shut me out again; not you,” you pleaded. You wouldn’t be able to handle that again, you needed him to communicate even if you were having problems talking, yourself.

“Okay…,” he paused for a moment, taking in your tone, “...will you tell me what's bothering you?"

"I don’t think I’ll have to tell you Cas. If you stay, I’m pretty sure you’re going to figure it out sooner or later…” you yawned and couldn’t help but rub your eyes.

“You’re tired,” he gave obviously, watching you closely.

“Yea but I took a nap earlier. You didn’t,” you explain, blushing slightly as his eyes stared into yours.

“I am tired too,” he agreed.

“We should go to bed, cure one of our problems at least,” you gave as an idea popped into your head. After the day you’d had, you wanted a hug; hell, you wanted to be held but you’d have to settle for less. Cas wouldn’t be able to keep up with your mood swings, and besides, do you really think you could just ask him to cuddle you? Mr. Comatose, prior angel of the Lord, probably hadn’t cuddled a day in his life. He shook his head, but waited for you to walk to the bed first. You stood there for a moment, thinking the thought over for a moment before changing your mind. Your nerves were picking up and hugging Cas? Well just the thought of it was making you love drunk; how pathetic was that? Turning, you shuffled over to the bed and began fixing the blanket that you had messed up. Cas walked passed your side towards his.

“Cas,” you mumbled. He turned towards you, concern etching his features once again. He stood still, watching you curiously. Before overthinking it again, you made your way over to him; stopping in front of him as he peered into your eyes, almost as if he were searching for something. And then you did it; without giving him warning. You hugged him, slipping your arms around him, pulling him to you as you buried yourself in his chest. He stood there for a moment before wrapping his own around you; holding you just the same. 

“I'm sorry too,” you admit, hiding your face in his chest. As he held you, he rested his head over yours; almost as if he was shielding you from the world. The longer you stayed in his arms, the more you didn’t want to leave. Why couldn’t this be your spot on his chest? Why couldn’t he be your Cas? Just like the beginning of the hug, you pulled away from him abruptly, head down as you tried to hide your blush from him. Crawling into bed, Cas just began moving towards his side again; slipping in beside you. You raised up to turn the lights off and laid back down on your back, this time Cas stared at the ceiling with you; neither of you saying anything, both of you just simply being. You weren’t sure who fell asleep first, but sleeping next to Cas hadn’t been too bad after all. If anything, you were going to miss this when you went back home to the bunker in a week.


	7. To Learn Something New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the last few crazy days you've had, you wake up feeling a lot better. Today is a day for learning new things and you think you're ready to conquer anything that comes your way. Though, life always has its ways of throwing curve balls.

The sunlight streaming through the curtain woke you as it beamed in your face. The air around you was chilly, but you were cozy under the mounds of blankets that coated the bed. Naturally, you began to stretch, yawing as you extended your arms before you pulled the blanket back around you, sneaking a peak over towards Cas. He was still asleep; soft, quiet snores escaped from him and you couldn’t help but giggle. Castiel was beyond cute, especially when he wasn’t even conscious; your heart swelled in your chest just watching him. The ex-angel slept on his back, one arm against his side and the other laid limp across his chest. You couldn’t help but smile as you sat up; the blanket falling off of you once again, but this time you were actually getting up. Making your way over to the table, you pulled your phone off the charger; taking it into the bathroom with you. Originally, you went in to brush your teeth, but the huge jacuzzi tub behind you grabbed your attention. Usually you weren’t one for baths, but this was kind of a vacation; what better way to relax than soaking in a jacuzzi? As you were drawing the water, your mind wandered off thinking about the boys; deciding to give them a call.

“Hey!” Sam greeted, overly enthused.

“Hey Sammy,” you greet, smile growing just from hearing your best friends voice, “Where have y’all made it to?”

“Bozeman, Montana. We should be in Washington by tonight,” he explained, “How are things with you and Cas?”

“Well, he’s sleeping so…things are great,” you snickered. Because how could anything go wrong when you’re asleep? Right?

“Cas, still asleep? You must of wore him out, huh (y/n).” You could feel Dean’s smirk though the phone and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. You were smiling a little, but you’d never let him know that.

“Make all the jokes you want Winchester, I wouldn’t quit your day job if I were you,” you remarked rather proudly.

“Yeah, you’re probably right. But only because the world needs saving,” he joked and you heard Sam chuckle too. Both of them seemed to be in a good mood, and for some reason after everything that happened yesterday, you were feeling happy too.

“ Seriously though, how are things?” Dean repeated.

“If we’re being honest… we sort of had this weird fight last night. I don’t know that you’d even call it a fight but….”

“What do you mean,” Sam pushed curiously. Dean stayed quiet so he could listen. 

“Right after I got off the phone with you yesterday, my mom called. Anyway, something was said and when the call ended, Cas and I started talking about my past,” you gave, thinking back as you tried to remember exactly what all you had said to him.

“And?” Dean pressed.

“I was telling him that my family doesn’t know what I really do. He got mad when I told him I basically lie to them so that I can protect them."

“That's weird,” Dean mustered, confusion clouding his thoughts.

"I know right. I thought so too, I figured him of all people would understand. Not that he’s been human as long as he’s been an angel, but still. Given that he’s been an angel, I still felt like he’d grasp my intentions,” you shrugged, turning the warm water off.

"Wait, what all did you talk about before that?” Sam debriefed. As you thought the conversation over, you placed your feet in the tub and sat on the edge with the bathrobe still around you.

“I don’t know, I talked about Erin for a second but that was it,” you gave, swishing your feet around in the water.

“Who’s Erin?” Dean quizzed gruffly.

“Dude seriously?” Sam grumbled, clear annoyance in his tone.

“What?” 

“It’s her ex… the reason she started hunting with us. Do you seriously not remember any of that?” Sam explained, and you could tell he was either rolling his eyes or shaking his head at his brother.

“Right,” Dean agreed, his confusing tone transformed into understanding.

“Maybe he got upset about Erin. What all did you say about him?” Sam turned his attention back to you.

“I told him a brief summary of the relationship. I didn’t exactly have time to explain every single detail, we were fixing to head over to my parents for dinner,” you explain. There was so much more to your’s and Erin’s relationship but yesterday wasn’t the time to sit down and talk about it with Cas. Maybe one day, if you two could actually get to know each other better.

“You think he got jealous?” Dean’s question wasn’t for you. He asked Sam in a soft whisper but you still managed to hear it.

“That’s what I was thinking,” Sam tried to whisper back. They needed to work on talking lower and learning to actually whisper.

“Why on earth would he be jealous?” you question, no humor in your tone. Seriously? Cas being jealous of Erin? Erin was a complete asshat.

“Have you ever thought that Cas might like you too?” Dean said straightly, waiting for you to answer.

“Why would Cas ever like someone like me? I’m just… me,” you gave.

“Maybe because you are more than you give yourself credit for,” Sam spoke softly.

“Yeah, well thanks for the words of encouragement but can we start being realistic? Cas was an angel and I’m just a human.”

“Well currently Cas doesn’t have his grace, which makes him a human too,” Dean explained the obvious. Cas was in fact human too, but that still didn’t change the fact that you weren’t really anything special. Cas had been an angel, a freaking angel. How were you supposed to compare to that? Angels were beyond understanding the depths of human emotion; Cas was human but it wasn’t that long ago that he lost his grace either.

"Okay, if I’m just so great like you two are trying to make me out to be, how come neither of you asked me out before?” you press, not really looking for an answer, but just trying to prove your point.

"Because you’re in love with Cas,” Sam stated sorrowfully. His tone was different and it made you think over his words again before realization hit you.

“Sam?….Sammy… you didn’t…,” you shook your head; it couldn't be true. He was just messing with you, right? But his tone didn’t change; all humor from earlier had vanished and the younger Winchester was being completely serious. Not even Dean was speaking. Did he know how Sam had felt?

"I do. But you have feelings for him and I get that. I just want you to be happy,” he explained, sadness still in his voice.

“I- I'm sorry,” you blurted out. Not meaning to say it as sadly as you had. Sam completely caught you off guard with this. How could you make him feel this way, you knew how bad this kind of pain felt.

"Don’t be sorry, I came to terms with how I felt a long time ago. I’ve had multiple chances to tell you and there have been times where I almost have… but you love him, (y/n). I see it in your eyes when he walks in the room. I hear it in your voice when you talk about him. I could never make you feel that way and that’s not your fault. You can’t help who you fall in love with,” he described solemnly.

"Sam, I do love Cas but that’s not what I’m sorry for. I’m sorry that you have to feel the pain of a broken heart…I wouldn’t put this on anyone….especially you…."

"It’s okay, really. I just want you to promise me something... When you come back from this trip..., make sure you don’t regret not doing something.” His words echoed in your mind, you knew what he was talking about. He wanted you to tell Cas how you felt, even for Cas to know whether it came from you or if it slipped from someone in your family. Which was probably going to happen anyway.

“(y/n), Dean was right to push the other night. I promised you I would never say anything but he needs to know, you need to know…” he continued when your clear hesitation to respond was evident.

“I know,” you give wholesomely. You did know, it was way overdue for this to happen. “I promise Sam,” you agree, exhaling slowly. 

“Alright. Were fixing to stop up here and get gas and some snacks. We’ll call when we make it to the motel tonight, okay?” Sam’s voice was cheery, but you knew he was faking it. This excruciating, inhumane feeling of being heartbroken did that to people though. It made them lie about their feelings, it made people wear a mask so others couldn’t see how badly they were hurting.

“Okay,” you spoke and a few seconds later the line died. Sam ended the call and he left you speechless as you sat on the side of the tub. Your water felt cold now. Whether it was the water or your loss of appeal, you stepped out of the tub and dried your feet; draining the bath before heading back into the room. Cas remained asleep in the bed, the blankets wrapped around him to keep him warm and cozy from the chilly air from the ac. You sat down at the table, putting your elbows on top and resting your head in your hands. What were you going to do? Would things between you and Sam change? You didn’t want them to…. Who knows, by the time you head back to the bunker you might lose your best friend and your crush for the last nine years might not feel the same for you…Then again, things with you and Sam might stay great and Cas might reciprocate your feelings… it would be one or the other, but which one would it actually be?

_________________________________________________

 

"You loved her,” Dean questioned, sending this little brother a raised brow. They just pulled into the gas station and he shut the engine off.

"I do, yeah,” Sam answered, looking straight ahead like he had been since he hung up the phone with you.

“Why don’t you fight for her?” Dean clenched his jaw, completely astounded by the love triangle that's been in front of him for years and he hadn’t even noticed.

"She’s never been mine to win over Dean. I honestly don’t see how you’ve never seen the way she is with him. He is everything to her and he doesn't even know yet.” Dean looked his brother over for a moment, curious about quite a few things.

"That's why you’ve never said anything about it to him all these years?"

"No. I’ve never said anything because she asked me not to. If anything, I want him to know the truth, I want her to be happy for once; truly happy. And if she can find that happiness with him, then that's all I need. She deserves it."

"What about you?” Dean quizzed protectively. He loved the idea of you and Cas getting together before; he still did, but he was watching out for Sam.

“I still have my brother and my family. Cas is basically our brother and you consider (y/n) your little sister,” Sam chuckled lightly. His mood was improving slowly, it was just going to take some time.

“What do you consider her?” Dean didn’t understand the last statement. Were things going to be different now? 

“Nothing between me and her has changed Dean. She’s still my best friend and she always will be, I put those feelings behind me a long time ago. It's just the fact that they’re resurfacing because I’m trying to prove a point to her."

“Which is what exactly?”

“If you don’t go after what you want, eventually it will be too late.” Sam explained as he watched his brother before opening the car door. After he stood, he shut the door and walked into the store; leaving his older brother alone, lost in thought, as he continued to sit in the car.

 

_______________________________

 

You were still seated at the table when Cas began to stir from his sleep. Like you had done, he stretched and the covers fell from him. Pulling them back up around him, he turned his head to look for you but your spot was empty. The covers from your side were cool, proving that you hadn’t been lying there for a while. You watched him but you didn’t move, the chair you were sitting in was mostly hidden from his view. He sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes; his hair was tousled every which way and you couldn’t help but think what it would be like to run your fingers through it. His dark locks, entangled in your grip as you held him to you. Shaking your head, you exited fantasy land and came back to reality. Cas stood up from the bed, his shirt crinkled up on one side of his hips, showing his perfectly sculpted hip bones. His brows furrowed as he searched for you, noticing the bathroom door was open and the lights were off but yet you weren’t in bed.

“Cas,” you called to him softly. His gaze moved towards the kitchen and his eyes searched until they met yours. He approached you slowly, you seemed to be lost in thought.

“Are you still upset with me?” his question pulls you away from your thoughts of Sam. At least for a second they did, you couldn’t help but hope things between you and the younger Winchester really would be okay.

"Cas, it's not you… I just… I talked to Dean and Sam…” you explain, scooting out the chair in front of you with your foot so he would take the hint to sit with you. He noticed your intentions and took his seat as he waited for you to continue.

“Can I ask you something?” your chin rested in your hand for a moment before you sat up and rested your hands in your lap. Cas nodded a reply so you continued.

"Yesterday in the car… you said something about me and Sam fighting and that we shouldn’t fight because we had feelings for each other,” you stated, giving him a few seconds so that you were both on the same page.

"You have feelings for him.” Cas remarked bluntly, thinking you might have lied yesterday and were here to tell him the truth today.

"No, no Cas, I don’t. I wasn’t lying about that. I do love Sam, but I love him in a brotherly way,” you described eagerly for him to understand that you didn’t have romantic feelings for the Winchester.

“Okay."

"But you also said that he had feelings for me?” you press. If Cas said that and now after what Sam said today, how did Cas know?

“I did,” he vouched, watching you curiously and wondering what you were getting at.

"How did you know?"

"I felt it when I healed him from his experiences in Hell. Lucifer… he used you as a pawn towards Sam. Not you, you, but... a hallucination of you… if you will,” he explained. Wait, did he mean...

"When you went crazy Cas on us and then fell into a coma?"

“Yes,” his brows drew together curiously, what were you getting at?

"Why did you never say anything,” the question is out before you could stop it. After saying it you felt silly.

"I thought you and Sam were together… you also never really talked to me back then; not very much,” he cleared. You couldn’t help but sigh. Hiding away in your room instead of just taking twenty seconds of insane courage to tell him how you felt, really cost you a lot of time with him.

"I’m sorry for that… I shouldn’t have been so distant with you….” you mumble out, placing your head back in your hands.

"Will you tell me why? Or do I have to wait until I figure it out?

"I think it's better if you wait. Not that I want you to find out but you need too and it'll probably wind up happening anyway,” you exhale, before laying your head down on the table; your arms circling around you so he couldn’t see you.

"Are you okay?” concern etched in his voice as he asked you.

"No… not really. I just found out how he’s felt and I can’t help but feel guilty. No one should ever have to feel this way,” you sigh, mumbling since you refused to lift your head up and speak to him properly.

"By that you mean?"

"To have to live every single day with a broken heart,” you raised your head, eyes instantly meeting his. He watched you carefully, concern still clear across his features.

“Do you still have feelings for Erin?” His question was thrown out rather quickly.

“No, but I do love someone and I can’t seem to do anything about it,” you explain, looking him straight in the eye. Why couldn’t he just catch on already? Then again, why couldn’t you just come out and tell the poor guy?

"How come?” he cocked his head, tilting his head in that adorable way of his. Your heart fluttered, sending butterflies to swarm your stomach.

"I don't know… I just…can we talk about this some other time? I’m kinda hungry..., do you want to come downstairs with me and we can get some breakfast?” you insist, ready to push the Sam thing from your mind; you had a big day ahead of you. You and Sam were going to be fine, when you got back you were going to make sure of it.

“Okay,” he agreed. Not even five seconds later, his stomach growled and you couldn’t help but let out a girly giggle. He turned his head slightly, slowly losing the confusions from earlier as a smile grew on his lips.

“Why are you laughing?” his teeth were now shining through his lips as he watched you.

“I don’t know,” you finally calmed, smile still evident, “The last few days have just been really crazy and stressful…and then today I woke up really happy for some reason. Not just okay, but legitimately happy, inside and out. When I called the boys to see where they were and if they had made it, that’s how we got on the subject of feelings. But me and Sam…, we'll be okay... and after the last few days I’ve had, I really just want to be happy while it lasts, you know? I don’t want this to dampen my mood, and things with us… what happened last night, I’m sorry. But I’m not just sorry for last night, I’m sorry for the last nine years. I shouldn’t have shut you out like that... but I want things to be different while we’re here,” you answered.

“I would like that,” his smile was just so pure.

“Okay. Then let's go get something to eat,” you smiled, teeth gleaming through. You stood and walked towards the door, sliding your pair of flip flops on as you walked by.

“(Y/n), shouldn’t we change first?” he questioned, making you turn around. He had stood from his chair, but he stood curious with his hand on his bag.

“Its customary for hotel guests to wear their pjs while getting breakfast. At least, it was when I was a kid,” you answer, smiling at him again as you grabbed the room key. He nodded, agreeing with you before following you out towards the elevator. When you both made it to the lobby, you noticed there were quite a few families already eating; some were still in line. You and Cas waited patiently in line, not saying anything but people watching and checking out what was being served.

“What are you getting?” Cas whispered down to you as he searched the breakfast buffet.

“I think I’m going to check out those muffins,” you explained, turning to him, “what about you?” Watching him closely, you knew he wasn't sure. His typical curious Cas stare was plastered on his face.

“There’s cereal, toast, waffles, doughnuts, biscuits, eggs, bacon, bagels, and muffins,” you point out each item as you list them, glancing back to him occasionally. He still seemed unsure about what exactly he wanted for breakfast.

“You’re only going to get muffins?” he questioned, brows furrowing as he looked down to you.

“What’s wrong with muffins? Why you hating Cas?” you tease playfully and his deep blush doesn’t go by unnoticed.

“I-I wasn't… I just…,” he stammered. You chuckled a little bit and he stopped to examine you. “You’re messing with me,” he figured, his smile returning.

“I am,” you quirk. The line seemed to be moving fast and you and Cas were not far from the plates. “Have you decided?” Cas shook his head no, moving his gaze back up to the booth.

“I don’t want to pressure you too much, but you’ll have to decide on a drink too. They serve apple juice, orange juice, milk, water and coffee” you explain, motioning over to the drink counter. He nodded as his eyes followed over to it. As the line moved forward, you grabbed a plate and handed it back to Cas before grabbing your own. You went straight for the muffins, deciding on a blueberry, banana-nut, and a strawberry creme; they were big but you couldn’t decide which one you wanted. Making your way over to the drinks, you filled your cup with apple juice before finding a table; you weren’t paying attention, but Cas hadn’t left your side as he followed behind you. When you took your seat, Cas sat across from you; his plate mirroring yours. 

“For a muffin hater, you seem to like them quite a bit,” you smirked and he grinned.

“I didn’t say I hated them,” he gave, peeling off the wrappings just as you were doing. You laughed and shook your head before taking a bite from the blueberry. Grabbing your napkin to wipe your face, you noticed Cas looking back to the booth.

“What are you looking for?”

“Do they do this every morning?” he questioned skeptically.

“Yeah, its another upgrade for us huh,” you agreed. Turning back, he watched you for a moment before picking up one of his own muffins. As the two of you ate, you didn’t say much until you were almost finished; Castiel’s gaze seemed to be burning a hole through you for the last couple of minutes.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” you press curiously, a blush surfacing upon your cheeks. His eyes fell from you as he began examining his muffin.

“What are our plans for today?” he quizzed, completely ignoring your question altogether. You finished chewing your bite and placed the rest of the unwanted muffin back on your plate.

“After we get dressed, I figured we could go back over to my parents. It's been awhile since I’ve seen them and after we leave, I don’t know for sure when I’ll see them again,” you clarified, wiping your hands off on another napkin. He nodded, swallowing his last bite as well. Once you finished your drinks, the two of you made it back up to the room. You dressed and Cas took another shower; he enjoyed being in water. You couldn’t wait to take him to the pool, he’d love it.

On the way over to your parents, music resonated through the speakers of your car. Cas watched happily out his window and you could only hope that the rest of the day, would be a good day for the both of you.


	8. Letting You In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something inside of you clicks after your mother made a simple statement... How have you not realized how far gone you've been? Not only that, but is Cas acting a little... different with you?

“Hey Mama, we’re here,” you called out as you walked in the door, Cas following behind. You waited and slid your hand into his nonchalantly as the two of you shuffled down the hall, missing the stare he gave at your entwined fingers.

“In here,” she raised. You followed her voice into her sewing room, her hands at work with the machine. She glanced up as the two of you entered and she couldn’t help but smile wide.

“Good morning,” she gave, moving her gaze between you and Cas; deftly noticing your interlocked hands. After finishing her last stitch, she stood to hug you both; holding you a bit longer than what would be perceived as a standard hug. 

“Are you hungry?” she quizzed, wondering if you had the most important meal of the day.

“We ate at the hotel. I didn’t want you to have to cook for us,” you explain, smiling when you saw her pass you a quick scowl.

“Once upon a time I would have praised you for that. But you’re never here, I miss cooking for you. Cas, you’re both staying for lunch. Don’t let her talk you into eating out,” she ordered playfully but with full seriousness. He smiled down at her and nodded rather shyly. Turning back to you, your mother gave you a playful tap.

“I like him. He seem’s to listen to reason,” she chuckled, sending him a soft smile.

“Oh yeah? That’s what you think? I’ve always thought he was kind of a pushover,” you tease, turning to him and wrapping your arms around him. Looking up at him, you smile; a light giggle escaping your lips. Not going to lie, holding him and being this close to him kept sending tingles within you; head to toe. If it wasn’t for the ‘fake boyfriend’ charade, you definitely wouldn’t be this close to him; let alone be holding him the way you were. If just to place the cherry on top, you raised up on your tiptoes and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. His face reddened and he couldn’t help but look towards the floor.

“I like this,” your mother smiled warmly, looking up at Cas.

“What? Teasing my boyfriend?” you chuckle, sending Cas a silly face that caused him to laugh with you.

“Seeing you happy,” she admitted softly. Your smile fell and so did Castiel’s, all at once. You watched her for a moment, but she didn’t noticed your frown. She had turned away from you before she could see it plastered on your faces.

“You weren’t like this with Erin,” she sighed, taking her current sewing project to put away. Your arms fell from Cas and he couldn’t help but watch you curiously. Just the mere mention of Erin made you seem… broken almost.

“I was happy,” you declared, voice low almost mute.

“Honey, I don’t want to argue with you…,” she pursed her lips with a slight frown; sadness taking over her features. Things with Erin had been complicated. You had thought you loved him but after everything you’ve felt for Cas? The feelings you had for Erin weren’t even close. But you had been happy. Erin made you happy… perhaps not all time… but sometimes… didn’t he? Certainly not the night before graduation, that was for sure. Everything was just so confusing and it frustrated you. If anything, you didn’t love him, you knew that much…but were you really happy with him? When you were together during school? Before your whole break down?...

No. You weren’t happy. How could anyone be happy with someone who constantly brought them down all the time. How could you have been happy living that lie? You weren’t in a fairytale, Erin Andrews was not your knight; not like Jim was with Jenna, not like your father was with your mother, nor like you wanted Cas to be with you. Erin meant ...nothing to you… if anything, you used him as an excuse. You wanted to live that picture perfect life, but the whole time you were with him you were miserable. Why had you been lying to yourself this entire time? Those four years were the worst years of your life, how did you not realize it sooner?

“No… you’re right,” you admit hesitantly, going over everything in your head, “I wasn’t happy… was I?” your eyes finally met her gaze. It felt like an invisible weight had been lifted from your shoulders. Your mother made her way over to you slowly, realizing what you were finally admitting and knowing just how painful it was to feel. Cas stood beside you, reeling in everything you felt. It was a relief to know that you hadn’t given someone like Erin the power to hurt you, but it was devastating to know how much pain you kept causing yourself. Erin having a baby with someone else might have just been the most liberating thing you’ve experienced in your entire life. Because no matter how ideal it sounded, living a life with your ‘high school sweetheart’ wasn’t something you really wanted; it wasn’t in your cards. To be honest, you hated it here; the school, the town…not because of the people, but because… you weren’t happy here… living this cherry pie life… with someone you pretended to love. If you would have stayed… if he hadn’t cheated on you… you would have been consumed in this emptiness your entire life. You would have never met Cas; you would have never known what it was like to truly love someone… you would have never been... happy. 

“Are you okay?” your mother pressed, worry coating her tone as she pulled away to give you a once over. Backing away, you couldn’t help but smile; a single tear rolling down your cheek.

“I’ve never felt better,” you whisper, sighing happily before wiping that tear away. Cas pulled your hand into his, the same worry coating his features as your mother's; a more concerned gesture rather than for the ‘fake boyfriend’ act. But you didn’t mind, because the truth was beginning to set you free and in order for it to take full effect, you needed to accept who you were and who you’ve become. You were someone who adored your family; who enjoyed nature and life; you were creative, honestly artistic. You loved to paint and draw; you loved playing board games and video games and carelessly singing the wrong words to every song, making up your own version. You enjoyed exploring new places, being and living in the moment. Erin took all of that away from you, you became bland… and somehow, being here with Cas… pretending but pleading for it all to be real… Cas was giving this all back to you; all you had to do was let him in, even if it was just a little bit at a time. 

“I think I’m going to show Cas around,” you explain, squeezing his hand in yours as you took in the room around you; viewing it as if you were seeing it for the first time in over a decade. Both your mother and Cas were still etched with concern, neither of them really understanding the process and moment of clarity that just passed through your mind.

“I would really enjoy having lunch here, Mama,” you tell wholeheartedly. Her concern decimated quickly, joy consuming her. You missed this; the reality of just how much, was setting in. This was your home... and though you’d come back a few times in the past, this was the first time it felt like you were really there; it felt like it had been forever.

“Okay sweetheart,” she managed to whisper. She noticed the sudden change in you and even if it were just for a moment, she saw a glimpse of her old daughter; it made her feel whole again. She slipped past you and Cas, hiding the tears trapped in her eyes. Castiel was bringing you back to her; an angel sent by God himself.

“Your father is working in his study. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you interrupted him for a moment; to let him know you made it in again,” she explained, stopping in her tracks but not turning back. You could hear her hurt within her voice, you recognized it because you felt it too. You had been gone so long, a stoic version of yourself took control for so many years; almost, but not quite, as soulless like Sam had been…

“We’ll check in on him,” you agree, giving her ease. She continued on into the kitchen, more than likely going to decide what she was going to make for lunch. You began to head towards your father, when Cas pulled against your joined hands. Turning to him, he looked confused; tilting his head the way he does.

“Whats wrong?” you ask.

“You sure you’re okay?” he didn’t hesitate with his question. Smiling up at him you nodded.

“I am, I promise. Are you?” 

“If you are,” he gave hesitantly.

“I want to show you who I was before Erin. After we see my dad of course,” you explain, preparing yourself; you were going to introduce Cas to a girl you hadn’t seen for a very long time.

“I would like that,” he stated flatly, concern still within him. How could you go back and forth with your emotions so quickly? Not that he minded, as long as you were being honest about being happy; he didn’t like seeing you upset. Tugging on his hand like he had yours, you walked him towards the study. Growing up, your father stayed busy here, leaving occasionally on business trips though he worked from home most of the time. Upon entering, you slid your hand from Cas’ to greet your father. When you hugged him, you held on longer like your mother had done you earlier. It confused him mostly, but he held you until you let go first. He welcomed Cas in, both of them shaking hands with one another. You could tell your father was still having questioning the idea of Cas; not because he didn’t like him, but he still didn’t know him yet. Sure you had mentioned quite a bit, but your father was wanting to see for himself. After a few minutes, the desk phone began to ring; your father claimed he could call back but you didn’t want to interrupt his work. Telling him, you and Cas, would be at the house the whole day and you could visit more later. He answered the call, sending a friendly wave toward you both as you left.

“Whats wrong?” Cas asked as you shut the doors behind you, giving a sigh.

“I think we’ll start in my old room,” you express, giving him an attempted smile. He followed you upstairs, curious as to why you avoided some of his questions at times. You slowed down as you approached the closed bedroom door. Sighing again before you pushed the door open, allowing Cas to enter first. He watched as he passed by you; you weren’t sad, no, this was a different emotion. He went into the room, instantly becoming fixed on everything your walls held. You hung your paintings and drawings up, but you also had band and movie posters along with song quotes and a few poems; some you had wrote and some you just liked. Cas was transfixed on everything, he had yet to notice your hesitation to come into the room. Your eyes were searching too though, some of the things you had created you had completely forgot about. Your eyes were glued on a piece of your artwork when Cas finally turned back to you, noticing you were still in the hall.

“What are you doing?” his hands were at his sides, fingers fiddling with a loose string on the sleeve of his shirt.

“I haven’t been in here since my sophomore year,” you tell, suddenly finding an interest to the floor by your feet.

“Why not?” he proceeded with his adorable little head tilt and furrowed his brows.

“Freshman year Erin asked me out for homecoming and things between me and him grew from there…. But he was really good at football. During sophomore year he somehow managed to be put on Varsity; he couldn’t have an artistic nerd as a girlfriend…, it would have ruined his ‘reputation'. So I changed instead of giving him a reason to dump me… I switched from my art and music classes to athletics. I started dressing fancier and waking up a whole hell of a lot earlier so I could fix my hair and put on makeup. I moved some of my things downstairs into the guest room, like my new clothes, and I just started staying down there. I was going to throw all of this stuff away but Mama said she would clean it up and move her sewing stuff up here. She never did it though. The years went by, she kept her room downstairs and I stopped coming up here altogether. I knew she hadn’t moved her room but I figured she just got rid of all of this stuff and used this space for storage,” you explain softly. Cas listened to every word you said, piecing together a puzzle you didn’t even know he was working on.

“When I came back the first time after leaving with Sam and Dean, she said everything was still here, in the same place I had left it. I’ve never came up here though.”

“Why are you showing me then?” his head straightened but his eyes were still scrunched.

“I’m letting you in, … this is something…,” you explain, glancing around the room as you recollected so many good memories, “… this is who I was Cas… it’s a part of me.” You wanted to go into the room, but it were as if you needed a little push. After a few seconds Cas raised his arm, extending his hand out and holding it open for you to place yours. You didn’t move, his eyes were glued to your’s as if he were waiting. He had no reason to hold your hand, unless it was just for moral support; none of your family members were up here with you so there was no reason for any affection. Something in you took control and your feet carried you to him; your hand slipping into his, your eyes tracing his blue ones. He gave your hand a soft, reassuring squeeze and you couldn’t help but look away. You wanted to kiss him, to hold him and never let go of this moment, but he wasn’t yours. Taking in a huge breath, you turned and sat on your bed; Cas still grasping your hand so you wouldn’t pull or slip it away. He watched you, making sure you were okay. A few moments passed before he decided to sit next to you.

“Thank you Cas,” you whisper, leaning your head onto his shoulder. You honestly weren’t sure what you were thanking him for specifically, Cas was just everything you needed him to be, whether he knew it or not. When you rested your head on him, his whole figure stiffened; not that you were even paying attention. You stayed against him for a little while, both of you taking in the beauty of your earlier creations. Cas was transfixed on a painting that hung above your door, but a poem that laid on your night stand, drew your attention. Slipping your hand from his, he turned his attention back to you; curious as to what you were doing. Leaning over, you grabbed the sheet of paper and brought it closer to you. Upon reading the poem, your face heated as you felt Cas’ leg simply resting next to yours; it wouldn’t have been so bad, if it had been a different poem…

“What does it say?” Cas questioned. Resting your hands and the poem in your lap, you turned towards him; your mind scattered.

“It’s nothing, just a poem that probably fell from the wall. Mom must have sat it here on the table,” you nod your head in the direction of the table but your eyes stayed glued to his.

“Will you read it?” he pressed.

“I’m not good at reciting poetry… it’s been a while,” you tried to persuade him to let it go. 

“Please?” When Cas had been an angel, that one single word held little purpose. If Cas was down to business, you didn’t mess around with silly, irrelevant words like please. Now, occasionally you would hear it, but it wasn’t something he said often. When he said it, he was being sincere in his actions. How could you say no? Just read it, it’s only a poem…

“Okay,” you sigh the word. The butterflies inside of you were becoming more active; too late to dismiss the feeling. Holding the paper, you cleared your throat before reading the lines.

 

“ 'I choose to love you in silence…  
For in silence I find no rejection,

I choose to love you in loneliness…  
For in loneliness no one owns you but me,

I choose to adore you from a distance…   
For distance will shield me from pain,

I choose to kiss you in the wind…  
For the wind is gentler than my lips,

I choose to hold you in my dreams…  
For in my dreams, you have no end…’ 

Rumi (1207-1273).”

“That’s rather… gloomy…,” Cas said, leaving you speechless for a moment before you drew yourself together.

“It’s beautiful,” you claim.

“It’s sad.” Cas was quick to counteract.

“Well… like I said yesterday, sometimes... things are better left unsaid."

“If you love someone, why would you not want to tell them?” Castiel was beginning to turn this into a debate. You kept your mouth sealed as you arose from the bed, feeling his glare on you as you walked over to an empty space on your wall. The piece of paper in your hands that held the poem still had tape on the edges. Carefully, you smoothed the sticky strip back to the wall, using your thumb to smooth out all the edges. After the wall held it firmly, you took a step back and glanced at the wall as a whole; you truly were something while growing up… Shrugging the thought off your shoulders, you moved over to your desk and opened the top drawer, skimming through the stack of poems you had written down.

“There’s a poem in here that you may like instead. It’s about bees,” you explain, your attention lost in the endless pile of words you kept looking over. Cas had his head tilted, confusion gripping him tight.

“Why do you ignore my questions?” You paused for a moment; clearly evident and it didn’t go unnoticed.

“I don’t, ... I answer you,” you declare, knowing full well what exactly he was talking about. 

“Not all the time,” he stood from your old bed and walked to you, taking in your frazzled state as you seemed to be looking for something rather frantically.

“Earlier you said you loved someone,” he continued, making you shut the desk drawer rather harshly at his statement. You couldn’t find what you were looking for and you had no clue where he was going with this; it scared you.

“Yeah,” you said, nodding your head to agree with your words. If you didn’t oblige, you’d literally be contradicting yourself within a matter of seconds.

“How long?” You turned to him after he asked, eyes meeting his instantly and immediately you felt nauseous. What was he doing? Of course the voices inside you were yelling, persuading you to draw this out and maybe it wouldn’t end up the way you thought it was going to.

“How long for what?” you return, face as stoic as could be. Cas' brows drew together, as if he knew you were avoiding the question.

“How long have you loved them?” His jaw clenched, not out of anger but in a way to show you he wasn’t backing down. You sighed, not knowing what to do. You couldn’t tell him, it would lead him to finding out the truth. Not that the truth was a bad thing because you needed all the weight to be off of your chest, but because you didn’t really want to be in a solitary room, isolated away from other people, when he found out; you couldn’t bare being alone for that… you wouldn’t make it when he were to reject you.

“For a very, very… long time…,” you gave without giving specifics. Your eyes fell down to his hands, they were fiddling with a loose string on his jeans again.

“(Y/n),…” he called to you, almost as if he were pleading for you to look back to him, “… I,” but your mother interrupted, calling for you from down stairs.

“Sweetheart? Can you come here please?” Glancing at Cas, his attention was focused towards the door from where she had called. You walked closer to the door, looking back only to see if he would be following you down, but you couldn’t seem to get his attention.

“Cas… are you coming?”

“I’m going to stay,” he gave, moving his eyes over to read another poem on your wall. You sighed, wanting to know what he was going to say but also what he might be thinking; what was going through that head of his? Your mother called out for you again, checking to see if you had heard her.

“Coming,” you raise, not annoyed but so she was able to hear. Taking one last glance at Cas, you left the door opened behind you and began to shuffle down the stairs towards your mother. The conversation between you and the ex-angel still swimming around your head. What would he have said before your mom unknowingly interrupted? Where would the conversation had lead to? Perhaps your mother saved you from the one thing you weren’t quite ready to hear.


	9. Desperate Need Of Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When people talk and others listen, we find out things we never knew before... Also, do you have feelings for him?

When you went downstairs, you followed the soft hum that came from the kitchen. Your mother always hummed while she cooked; breakfast, lunch, and dinner, a tune would escape from her. You didn’t realize how much you’ve missed it until now. As you entered, she had her back to you as she washed off some vegetables in the sink. Your parents grew a small garden out in the backyard; vegetables ranging from tomatoes, squash, peppers, and even corn, so she must have just picked some.

“Hey,” you greet as you approached her. She couldn’t help but turn back and smile, looking behind you to see if Cas was with you. You noticed and it reminded you of what recently happened.

“What do you both like to eat?” her tone was genuine. Pursing your lips, you couldn’t help but shrug.

“Anything really,” you admit. While Cas had been human, there hadn’t really been anything he absolutely didn’t like; he was open to try anything. There were a few things he wasn’t too fond of, but he didn’t hate it.

“I need you to be more specific,” her motherly tone seeping through, “What’s his favorite meal?” Her shoulder shrugged towards the door you had come through, assuming you had left Cas in the other room.

“Peanut butter and Jelly sandwiches,” you explain, not really thinking anything of it. Your mother cocked her head towards you, a questionable look featuring across her face.

“I’m being serious. I want him to feel at home here, what better way than to fix him his favorite meal? I need your help.”

“I’m being serious too, he loves pb&j. I don’t get it, but he does…. I mean… I get it, because they are good, but honestly he would be satisfied just surviving on those for the rest of his life… and he would if I didn’t ask him to try other things,” you gave. 

“You’re telling me, if I just made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches he would be okay with that?” she couldn’t help but give a skeptical look towards you.

“He would be more okay with that,” you confirm. She smiled and shook her head as she turned back to the vegetables she was washing.

“Did he eat them a lot as a child?” the question slipped from her lips without hesitation, not seeing anything wrong with asking. Though you knew the answer but you couldn’t tell her. You couldn’t say that Cas didn’t eat as a child, because he hadn’t actually been a human child before. Angels don’t eat or rather they ‘don’t need sustenance’.

“I don’t think so,” you said. She nodded before turning the water off, moving over to dry the veggies with a towel.

“How many brothers does he have?” Her questions were to be expected, but you weren’t sure how to answer them.

“Uh… quite a few,” you shift, turning to the refrigerator and pulling out a bottle of water.

“Any sisters?” she pressed.

“Yeah… he has sisters,” you explain, not letting the truth slip completely. Angels didn’t have genders, their vessels did.

“You don’t like to talk about them?” lifting her head, she met your gaze.

“Cas doesn’t…. some of his siblings have passed on and the others don’t care for him much. They aren’t good to him,” you didn’t want to lie, so a variation of the truth couldn’t hurt.

“Oh,” is all she could muster up to say. You knew she felt bad, especially since she knew he didn’t have a mother and his father wasn't there for him.

“What about his father?” There it was. If she only knew God was your pretend 'father-in-law'. Did it even work like that? Who knows, you were just going to go with it.

“His name is… Chuck… he wasn’t really there for them, not all the time. Cas was close with his brother Gabriel, and Balthazar too in a way, but even their bonds weren’t that great.”

“Does he still see them?” little did you know how painful this question would be until she had asked it. Gabriel liked to play games, to an extent where it could be absolutely annoying. But he was a good guy… all he wanted was to escape from it all. Balthazar too towards the end, he didn’t want to have any part of it. One thing you couldn’t do, was tell her that Cas had killed him, nor that Lucifer killed Gabriel; those confessions were better left unsaid.

“They aren’t here anymore.” You couldn’t help but sulk a little, especially for Gabriel. You missed the trickster...

“What about his mother?” you were glad she waited until Cas wasn't around to ask you these questions, she was a little more considerate than your sister. Not that Jenna would have known.

“He never knew her,” surely that would be a better answer than his mother didn’t exist. How well would that have gone over? 'Cas’ mother is nonexistent. His father created him because his father is God. Maybe next time we're down, we'll invite him to join us so you and father can meet the Creator, himself… Oh, and he prefers to go by Chuck… just a little reminder. Lol, shits and giggles, you’re so funny (y/n).’ Rolling your eyes at yourself, you walk over to the counter where your mother was standing.

“He’s done pretty well though, regardless of where he came from. He rose above it all… and chose his own free will. He can be different at times or seem a little off, but it's because of how he grew up…. His situation as a whole is… indescribable really. He’s trying though and he’s doing really well one on one,” you explain knowingly. She smiled as she finished drying the last tomato.

“He really cares for you, you know,” she finally glances up after a few moments of silence, you couldn’t help but freeze up.

“Mom,” you let out a struggled laugh. If she only knew this whole thing between you and him wasn’t real. Sure, you felt deeply for him but you didn’t expect someone like him to love you back.

“He does,” she claimed, “I see it in the way he is with you.” All you could do was fake a smile for her, so she wouldn’t know that something was up. You only wished he did. Sure, as a friend maybe, but not in the romantic way you were hoping for.

“You two will be the next ones to get married,” smiling, she made her way over to the table; displaying the vegetables in the bowl that was placed in the center.

“Well… if he asks I wouldn’t be one to say no,” you fake another laugh, which luckily goes by unnoticed. If he asked, you’d be out of your mind to say no, but why would he even ask? You weren’t really together, that was clear, but angels didn’t marry. It was also clear that Cas was no longer an angel, but you were pretty sure marriage wasn’t even important to him. Some of the things angels deal with makes marriage seem like… like it's just a worthless piece of paper in comparison; like it's just something humans do to pass the time.

“Good, you deserve to be happy sweetheart.” Making her way over to the refrigerator, she pulled out the jelly and then moved towards the pantry to get the peanut butter. Although it seemed like you had just ate, it was past lunch time. You decided to collect the plates for her, grabbing four because your father would undoubtedly like one too. She made the sandwiches without asking any more questions, it wasn't until you were fixing to call for Cas, that she spoke up.

“I’m going to have beautiful grandchildren.” It were as if she were speaking to herself, but it got you thinking. Jenna and Jim would give her beautiful grandchildren. They would make a wonderful family; Jim and Jenna would be amazing parents and you would be a great aunt… that is, when you would be around. 

“Cas!” you called, trying to escape the thoughts in your mind. It made you sad to know you were going to miss moments when your sister had a baby. Honestly, when you and Cas were to leave, even that would be difficult. You missed it here; your family, your old room, your old life. But you kept reminding yourself that you wouldn’t have met Cas if things hadn’t happened the way they had. You loved the boys and saving the world when it needed to be saved. But now that you were thinking about it, Cas had been right. What if you were to die? Your family wouldn’t know the truth and you couldn’t exactly ask the boys or even Cas to come explain the truth to them. It wouldn’t be right or fair to anyone. You needed to tell them the truth. Even though you were trying to save them, what if some demon came along and tried to use them against you. Not only that, but what if some monster moved into town tomorrow? How would they be able to protect themselves if they didn’t know what to look out for?

“Does Cas want children?” she pondered. Cas hadn’t made it down the stairs yet, so it was nothing he could hear but it pulled you back.

“Uh…I don’t… I don’t know. He’s never said anything,” your cheeks flared up. In order to have kids, you had to have sex and just thinking about sex with Cas… it made you flustered. Your mother didn’t notice your blush, she just took in the thought of your words.

“What’s for lunch?” at that time, your father walked in with a soft smile.

“Pb&J’s,” you inform, eyes moving over towards Cas as he walked through the entrance, “your favorite.” Despite your previous encounter, Cas gave you a warming smile as he came to stand next to you; slipping his hand into yours. Your father watched him cautiously, he wasn't sure about Cas. Not because of something he had done, but because you had already been hurt before. Your father didn’t ever want that to happen again so he wasn't going to be too careful. He sat down at the table and you motioned for Cas to do the same as you helped your mother fill drinks. This time at the table, you and your mother sat on either side of your father and Cas sat between you and your mother, facing your father.

“How’s work going?” you ask simply, starting up a conversation. Your father finished his bite and chased it down with a gulp of water before answering.

“It’s going well. Stocks are down, but I think we're going to see an increase pretty soon,” he gave. Nodding your head towards him, you stole a quick glance at Cas; your mother noticing the way you watched him so shyly.

“I hope you like it,” your mother spoke up, talking to Cas. Lifting his head he noticed she was talking to him and he nodded with a smile.

“She said these were your favorite,” she continued. Turning his gaze over to you, you couldn’t help but smile back; Cas had that effect on you.

“They are delightful. Thank you,” Cas looked back towards your mother, smile still beaming upon his features. 

“You’re welcome,” her reply was heartfelt. She really, really liked Cas; especially for you. A few minutes went by without anyone saying anything, the four of you focusing on your meal. 

“Cas, do you want to have children?” your mother’s question was out of the blue and it was a million times worse when she asked now than it had been earlier when it was just you and her. Not only did she out right ask Cas, but your father was in the room too. Your eyes flew over to Cas, to reel in his emotions over the matter. He stopped chewing and his eyes slowly lifted up to meet your mother's; his smile from earlier now diminished and his features were plain with a red tint upon his cheeks. Watching her for a few seconds, he looked over to you as if he were asking for help. You couldn’t blame him, could you? I mean, his fake ‘girlfriend’s' mother was asking him about his future possibilities with kids. Again Cas was human but angels didn’t reproduce, nephilim weren’t allowed. So angel Cas hadn’t even considered it especially with the life you all live, and Cas hadn’t been human long. You seriously doubted marriage and reproducing were at the top of his current to-do list. You tried to speak up, to say something to help him out but you couldn’t even make a sound. Cas’ blue eyes slipped from yours and they met with your fathers for a moment before he settled back to your mom.

“If (Y/n) would like to have them. I want her to be happy,” he replied almost as if he were serious. It was difficult for you to tell and spot the difference; Cas was getting good at this little charade.

“Hopefully you would marry her first,” your father elaborated. He was old school that way. Nowadays, people don’t always wait for marriage but he wanted you and Jenna to be. Jim even came and asked him for his blessing before proposing to Jenna.

“Dad,” you exhale, putting your sandwich down on your plate cautiously.

“What? If he’s planning to have children with you then he needs to commit with you first. Not just because it’s what you want, but because it's what he wants,” he stood his ground. You couldn’t help but feel sorry for Cas. This was one of the moments you couldn’t say anything without risking the charade you two were playing.

“Honey,” your mother spoke up this time, pulling his attention to her. She sent him the look and your father tried a different approach.

“I just don’t want something to happen. Castiel, this is my little girl. I hope you can see that I only want what's best for her as she’s already had trouble in her past. You make her happy, I can see that; but are you happy?” You expected Cas to hesitate before he replied, but he surprised you with his quick response.

“I love her. She makes me happy and I’m happy to be here with her; learning things I had no idea about...,” Cas explained and for a second your heart stopped beating. His confession were as if it were real, and you wanted it to be desperately. But this game you were playing, it was messing with your mind. Cas wouldn’t be saying these things if you were at the bunker. Cas’ gaze fell from your father and he focused on his plate; not moving, he just sat still. Somehow, you drew yourself together and placed your hand on his knee carefully, as if to play along. You turned to your father and you missed the look Cas sent you.

“See? We’re happy,” you claim, sending your father a soft smile. Maybe now he wouldn’t worry as much and he would take it easy on Cas for the rest of the stay. Though, your father didn’t say anything, perhaps it was the way Cas was acting at the moment; he seemed to be lost in thought. Probably thinking over what he had said and if it was the right thing to say. You sat up straighter and without realizing, your hand moved from your ‘boyfriend's’ knee to his upper thigh; Cas definitely noticed, his face heating at your contact with him. It didn’t even process, your mind was just trying to focus on choosing another topic of conversation.

“Jenna and Jim are coming back over tonight. We’re going to have s'mores out back around the fire pit,” your mother announced. 

“Yes, I need to go gather wood for that,” your father explained as he stood from the table. He had finished his sandwich and put his plate in the sink before slipping out the back door.

“I’m sorry for that,” she apologized, placing her hand on Cas’ shoulder as she collected both of your empty plates.

“It’s alright,” Cas spoke, but he sounded off; even for himself, “Can I go back to your room and look at your poems?” He looked to you as if he was almost sad about something.

“Yeah Cas, you’re more than welcome to,” you nod, giving him a smile and only receiving a slight tug from his cheek that lifted his lip for a second. After excusing himself, he disappeared back upstairs and you couldn’t help but watch from where he had left. Wondering if he was okay because your father had been a little much.

“See, he loves you,” your mother sent you a knowing smile before she cleaned off the rest of the dishes. After they were rinsed, she came and sat back down at the table with you. You managed to change topics and the two of you started talking about what all had happened here while you were gone. You hadn’t realized, but the two of you had talked for a couple of hours. Somewhere in the conversation, your father had come back inside and went back to his study to work. Cas had stayed up in your room, reading every single poem you had up there and taking in the vastness of your artworks; he loved them all, simply because you had made them and at the time, you were expressing yourself.

A ring from the doorbell brought you and your mother from your deep conversation. She rose from her seat and sought after the door. After looking at the time, you knew it had to be Jim and Jenna; the day had flew by. Standing from your chair, you heard Jenna’s laughter as you pushed it in. Within seconds, the three of them joined you in the kitchen.

“Hey!” Jenna’s excitement about seeing you was still evident; almost as if she hadn’t even seen you the night before.

“Hey little sister,” you hug her tightly as a smile surfaced. After pulling away, you hugged Jim like you had before and noticed a heartfelt smile upon his lips. You were happy he would be joining the family, even though you were barely apart of it anymore.

“Where’s Cas?” Jenna asked, noticing his absence.

“Upstairs probably hiding from dad,” rolling your eyes playfully, the both you giggled.

“Oh no, what did he say to him?”

“He was just being Dad,” you chuckle, “no but, Cas is upstairs reading my poems.” Jenna straightened up, knowing full well you hadn’t been up there in years. When you left, she used to go sit up there sometimes; recalling old memories and thinking about how fun you were before you became involved with Erin.

“I’ll go get him,” you noticed her expression but parted with a forced smile. You hadn’t realized how much you had hurt them so many years ago until now. Not only did you lose yourself, but your parents lost a daughter and Jenna lost her sister. As you climbed up the stairs, you had to shake the thoughts from your head, its not like you could go back and change things. You could only improve things from here. The door was open and you found Cas laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling.

“Cas?” you called out for him, wondering what on earth he could possibly be doing and how long he had been like that. Perhaps you should have come to check on him sooner. He turned his head to you instantly and a hum escaped from his lips.

“What are you doing?” you couldn’t help but ask as you leaned against the door frame. He turned his head back to your ceiling.

“Thinking,” he admitted softly. Was this about earlier? About what your father had said? You weren’t sure, but you entered the room and sat down on the floor beside him. It took a few moments, but you decided to lay beside him and look up too. The years have flown by since you’ve slept in here and you forgot you had put up glow in the dark stars that covered your ceiling.

“I’m sorry about my father. He can be… too much at times…,” you said, turning your head towards him now. He had closed his eyes, and you weren’t quite sure what was going on with him.

“And my mother too. I had no idea she was going to ask you that,” you explain. His eyes opened and eventually he turned to look at you once more.

“They are good parents,” he admitted genuinely. Giving him a small smile, you could tell something else was bothering him. He sat up from the floor, sitting for a moment before completely standing. You laid there watching him until you pulled yourself up to do the same. He was now transfixed on the floor, his hands down by his sides.

“What’s wrong Cas?” your voice was low, he was really starting to worry you. 

“It’s nothing,” his answer was hesitant and it only fueled your worry.

“It’s not nothing,… clearly something is wrong. Talk to me,” you pressed. He moved his gaze towards you instantly, his eyes speaking a thousand words but you couldn’t hear what they were crying out for.

“We’re lying to them…,” he began, “ I understand I told you I would ‘roll with it’, but… your father wants the best for you, your mother too; they are good people.

“What are you saying? You don’t want to do this?” Crossing your arms, you drew your brows in confusion. You couldn’t help but get defensive.

“No, I didn’t say that…,” he began, but you interrupted him.

“Well what do you want from me? Do you not think I know that they deserve the truth? It’s been circling my mind ever since we discussed it yesterday Cas. I know that the way I’ve handled things have been complete crap, okay? I know that by trying to keep them save, I’ve only put them in more danger; thankfully nothing has happened to them…. I’m going to tell them the truth, I promise…I just can’t tell them right now.

“The truth about everything?” He gave you a knowing look, as if you knew what he should be talking about.

“What do you mean ‘everything’? Of course I will,” you declared. Cas stance fell, he looked weak almost before he spoke up again.

“Even about us?” 

“What about us?” What was he talking about?

“You and I… we’re not…,” he explained softly.

“I know. Okay, I know that we’re a lie too. I’ve been living a lie for years and lying has just become a part of me. If you want them to know the truth about us, then there’s no point in pretending we're together anymore, is there? Do you want to leave Cas? Is that what’s wrong?” you weren’t mad, if anything you were severely heartbroken and he could notice that much. 

“No, I don’t want that (y/n). I don’t want Dean to come, I don’t want to leave, I want to stay with you,” he answered, moving closer to you.

“But you don’t want to lie anymore? So what are we supposed to do? Go down there and just tell everyone that we're just friends?"

"I came here to be your ‘boyfriend’,” he used his air quotes, “and that’s what I’ll be. But what about next time? What about when you come back to visit? Are you still going to pretend that…that we’re together? Or is this just for the wedding?” He threw you off guard for a moment. You hadn’t thought about it this thoroughly before. What were your plans for the future? Your family could see how happy you were with him now, but what if down the line Cas got into a real relationship? It wouldn’t be fair to call him yours, fake or not, when he belonged to someone else. At least, you knew if he were yours, you wouldn’t want to be sharing him with anyone else.

“I don’t know,” you barely managed, tears were threatening your eyes, but you looked away so he wouldn’t see.

“Your family doesn’t like Erin. That’s understandable, but I would never hurt you like that. I just want to know what you're planning on telling them once we leave. Are we going to continue pretending or are you going to say that we aren’t together anymore? They can noticeably see a difference in you while you’re pretending with me, but what would you tell them? That you broke up with me? They would never believe that (y/n), especially your father. He would think that I hurt you like Erin did. I don’t want that to happen."

“So you want to be my ‘boyfriend’ now and next time just tell them the truth? That we aren’t and never have been together, that we were faking it?"

“I just want to make it clear that I would never hurt you. But what happens if you meet someone else and you bring them home with you next time? I would love to come with you again, but if you have a real boyfriend… you wouldn’t even have to make a decision, it would be him."

“You would want to come back?

“Yes. I enjoy spending time with you but if you found someone else...,” he cleared.

“Then that settles it,” you explain, leaving him even more confused than before.

“I would come back, unless you were to get another boyfriend?”

“Cas… I don’t want…,” you paused. You didn’t want anyone else as a boyfriend, you would take Cas being your pretend boyfriend any day over having to spend your life with someone else; though you couldn’t really just tell him that, you didn’t have it in you. If you did, you would have told him nine years ago when he first stole your heart.

“I’m not getting a real boyfriend, I don’t want that. But if you like coming, then I don’t see why it would be a problem if you came with me again next time.” He watched you before nodding his head in agreement.

“I would like that,” he gave, his saddened demeanor from earlier changed.

“As for the whole marriage and children thing,” you cracked a smile, “ let's not worry about that right now, okay? We’ll deal with that later.” A smile began to form on his features as he nodded again.

“And just to clear things up, I would never compare you to Erin to them. You’re not him and you’re not ever going to be blamed for something he did, okay. I’m not sure if that’s what you were upset about, but are you okay?” You were concerned but hopeful. Today was supposed to be a good day, and you were damned if it turned out to be a complete shit show like the last few days had been. Cas nodded and you smiled to see if he would reciprocate.

“Okay, you’re good, I’m good and we're still going to do this?” you couldn’t be too sure, you needed to hear him say it.

“I want to, if you do,” he said. Shaking your head agreeing to him, you couldn’t help but smile again as he smiled first this time.

“Okay,” you looked away from him for a second, “Cas, have you ever had a s’more.” Looking back up, you saw that he had tilted his head at your question.

“You’re going to love them,” you tell him, holding your hand out for him to take. He obliged, and followed you downstairs. Everyone was already outside, gathered by the fire pit. It was still a little early for s’mores but you met them outside anyway. Before you knew it, your sister whisked you away from Cas, pulling you over to sit between her and your mother. She wanted to catch up and also talk to you about her wedding details some more. Cas sat across from you on the other side of the fire by your father and Jim. They sat quietly as you girls talked for a while and every now and then, you would send him a friendly smile that he would return. After a while, your father received a phone call and his work pulled him back into the house. Usually, he stopped working around 5 but their office had to stay late tonight to get ‘some numbers in’ as he had said before going back inside. Your sister kept talking and talking, which you didn’t mind at all. You had missed this so it was good to catch up in person.

“It’s a great feeling isn’t it?” Jim announced, pulling Cas away from staring at you.

“What?” Cas tilted his head in question.

“Loving someone who loves you back, unconditionally,” Jim sat back in his chair, crossing one leg over the other and then crossing his arms against his chest. Castiel watched him for a second before turning to look back at you. This was only an act, you and him.

“You really don’t know yet do you?” Jim chuckled softly, not loud enough to catch your attention, while shaking his head.

“(Y/n) doesn’t call a lot when she’s gone. When she does though, she’s on the phone for hours; especially with Jenna. You’re all she’s ever talked about for the last nine years; since the moment she saw you. Hell, I knew what you looked like before I even met you; her describing you over and over to J so she could get an idea. I know how she feels though. I have that feeling with Jenna; I’m in love with her. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you why I waited so long to go after her,” Jim told, seeing if Cas would catch on. After you telling Cas that you had told them things so this ‘relationship’ would be believable, he didn’t know what was actually real anymore.

“Look…, she’s never going to tell you the truth willingly. (Y/n)’s afraid you’ll reject her and shut her out. I know because I was her before I told Jenna; I was terrified Jenna wouldn’t want anything to do with me anymore. She shuts you out because it's her own way of protecting herself; instead of giving you the opportunity to hurt her, she has pushed you away and stayed distant so you wouldn’t even have the chance.” Cas listened to the words that Jim shared. It explained a lot really, but was it true? Not that he thought Jim would lie to him, but you had created a complete mess with all of the lies. 

“She told me last night, when we were washing dishes, about your little ‘agreement’ you have going on right now. You know, the fake boyfriend act…. I know you don’t know me, but believe me when I tell you that she’s in love with you, man. She has been since the very first time she met you.” The look Cas was giving Jim, was understandable. The poor guy was completely confused and lost for words at this truth. Had you really been lying to him too… this whole time? Cas sat there for a couple of minutes after, a clear look of concern etched upon his features. 

“Excuse me,” Cas stood and began walking back to the house, almost as if he were in a hurry. You all noticed and you sent Jim a questionable gaze, but he only shrugged his shoulders. Your sister kept talking so you didn’t really have a chance to go after him. Cas moved up the stairs rather quickly, he couldn’t make it to your room fast enough. Once inside, he closed the door behind him and leaned against it. How could he not have realized how you felt for him? This whole time? Pulling the phone from his pocket, he dialed and held it up to his ear.

“Hey Cas,” Dean answered. Cas wasn’t wasting time, he asked straight and to the point.

“Does she have feelings for me?”


	10. I Am Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas knows how you feel. He claims to feel the same way. Is this a dream?

“Dean,” Cas called for him. The older Winchester wasn’t expecting this call at all, especially right this very moment.

“Did she talk to you?” Dean spoke but didn’t exactly answer the question and Cas was becoming impatient.

“No,” Cas’ response was clipped.

“Listen buddy…, maybe you should talk to Sam about this. I’m not really… involved,” Dean explained.

“Just answer me.” Dean hesitated, not sure what to say. Everyone told him not to speak a word about this to Cas, yet everything in him was screaming to just tell him the truth.

“Yeah man, she does,” he gave in. If Cas knew enough to ask, then he might as well know.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Castiel sounded more hurt than upset.

“(y/n) didn’t want you to know. Besides, it’s not like I knew about it this whole time, I only found out a couple of days ago. I told Sammy it was something that needed to be discussed, but he sided with her on this one.” Cas stood quietly as he processed the new information.

“Look, I thought this trip would be good for the both of you. Especially when I found out how she felt and why she’s always treated you the way she has. Clearly she didn’t talk to you about it like me and Sammy were hoping. If it wasn’t her, who mentioned it?” Dean clenched his jaw as he awaited his best friends answer, he shouldn’t of had to find out like this; especially since Dean knew, he should have told him before you left.

“Jim, her sister's fiance,” Cas explained, cupping his hand around his temples, “He said she didn’t want me to know because…because she didn’t want me to hurt her.”

“It makes since why she’s kept herself at a distance with you then,” Dean gave.

“Why would she think I would hurt her? I would never hurt her, Dean,” Cas spoke softly, as if he were speaking to himself. Dean lost his train of thought as he heard his words, he sounded broken.

“Cas… more than likely it's not because of you, it's because of her past. Humans tend to hold onto things and not let go, especially if it hurts us. She loves you; now that I know, everything makes sense on why she acts the way she does around you….Where are you at? Are you with her?” 

“She’s still outside by the fire, we’re at her parents. I just needed to know the truth,” Cas said blankly.

“Are you going to talk about it with her?” Cas didn’t answer Dean’s question. He knew he needed to, but he didn’t know how to go about doing it.

“I think once she knows that you know, she’s going to be different with you. Though… and I’m going out on a limb here, I’m going to guess that you have feelings for her to. You’re going to have to talk to her about this and at the same time, you need to make sure she knows how you feel. Because if not, it's only going to push her farther away… are you catching my drift? The moment she realizes you know, she’s going to do one of two things. The first one, she’s going to put distance between you and practically act like you aren’t there, kinda like she did when you were an angel. Two, she’s going to lie and say she has no idea what you're talking about. You’re going to have to call her out on it and get it through her head that you feel the same way. And you do feel the same way, right?”

“I do. I love her,” Cas claimed.

“Okay then. You’re going to have to do this Cas, sooner rather than later, and I promise you… you’re not going to regret it. I told you, you’d want to go on this trip.” Just after Dean finished his sentence, you knocked on the door, making Cas take a few steps away from it. With the phone still pressed to his ear, you slowly opened the door and his name softly escaped from your lips.

“Cas? Are you okay,” you sounded genuinely concerned and your features didn’t betray you. Castiel stared at you blankly for a moment, not knowing what to say. He was too nervous to talk to you about it here, he wanted to wait until you both got back to the hotel. Dean pulled Cas from his thoughts as his voice carried out from the phone.

“Cas say something to her,” Dean pressed, he needed to keep it together; especially around you.

“I’m fine,” Cas nodded but it wasn’t very reassuring.

“O-okay…,” you stuttered, “well, were fixing to do s’mores. I’ll wait for you,” you tell, sending him a soft smile before shutting the door behind you.

“Dude, you have to pull it together. Like I said, once she knows… and if you’re acting strange, she’s going to think the worst has happened. When are you going to talk to her?”

“Tonight,” Cas mumbled, still watching the door from where you had left, “I have to go.” Cas clicked the end button without waiting for Dean’s response, pushing the phone back into his pocket. He met you outside just as you were walking out the back door; he caught up with you.

“Hey,” you said, worry coating your tone, “everything okay?"

“Yes, it was just Dean,” he told, a small smile appearing on his lips as he looked at you. It was enough for all of your worry to subside and you smiled too.

“Okay, well they’ve already started the s’mores, let's go make some.” He nodded and you began to walk back to the circle when he slipped his hand into yours. You caught a glimpse of your entwined hands and couldn’t help but feel a yearning for him, why did you have to want him so bad?

“There you are,” your mother smiled up at Cas.

“He just had a phone call, one of our friends from back home,” you said, glancing up to smile at him. He smiled back and after you looked away, he caught Jim’s gaze. He gave him one nod and gave your hand a soft squeeze, drawing your attention as the both of you went to grab some marshmallows. You took his gesture as a part of the act. After fixing your s’more and showing Cas how to make his, the two of you sat down together; side by side. Your sister made a joke right as you had took your first bite, making you laugh and get chocolate everywhere. As you looked around for a napkin, Cas moved his hand to cup your cheek, completely surprising you and making you blush at the contact. With his thumb, he wiped away the streak of gooey chocolate on your cheek. You couldn’t help but lean into his touch, god you had longed for it.

“You two are cute,” your sister claimed, a big fat smile plastered on her face.

“Jenna,” you shook your head playfully.

“What? You are…. Castiel..., thank you for being good to my sister,” she said sincerely. He smiled back at her and before too long, Jenna was already on another topic. After you finished your s’mores, you all sat quietly, basking in the sounds of nature as you enjoyed the fire. You were still sitting next to Cas, though now the both of you were relaxed in your seats. As you watched the fire, your eyes became heavy and before you knew it, you were fighting sleep. Castiel noticed and wrapped his arm around you, he pulled you closer to him. You were quite aware, but sleep was overpowering you so you didn’t have it in you to fight against him. Instead, you moved and cuddled him closer, practically laying on his chest. His fingers played with your hair, soothing you right to sleep.

The next thing you knew, Cas was waking you; rubbing his thumb across your exposed cheek. Your mother and father had went to bed a while ago and Jenna and Jim were getting ready to leave. The fire had been put out, just small puffs of faint smoke rising from it now. The slight tickle pulled you from sleep and as soon as you realized what he was doing, you sat up swiftly.

“Wake up sleepyhead,” Jenna chuckled, “ are you going to make your boyfriend carry you out?” Rubbing your eyes, you ignored her question and stood from your chair, taking several steps away from Cas.

“What are the plans for tomorrow?” you asked, noticing Jenna’s cheeky smile as you tried to hide your blush. 

“I have a game of golf with my dad tomorrow and Jenna has to go get the last bit of alterations made on her dress,” Jim informed, “How about y'all come over tomorrow night. Well fix dinner and have a couple of beers.” Jenna nodded along with her fiancés invitation, she thought it would be a great idea.

“Okay, that sounds good,” you said, glancing over at Cas to see if he was alright with it. He shook his head and you turned back to your sister. “We’ll be there, just call me tomorrow and we’ll figure out a time to come over.” 

“Goodnight you two,” Jim shared a small laugh; not really know what it was about.

“Yes, goodnight. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t,” Jenna winked. Furrowing your brows, you watched them confusedly. You sent a quizzical look over to Cas, but he didn’t seem to be paying attention to you. He had his hands in his pockets and his head was dipped towards the ground. What the hell was going on? Did Jenna say something to him while you were asleep? Because all three of them were acting weird.

“Are you ready?” you whispered, Jenna and Jim had already made it to their car that was parked in the front.

“Yeah,” he answered, though he didn’t seem too sure. You walked beside him towards the car, he was now looking straight ahead rather stoically. Staring at him for the longest time, he finally turned his head towards you; making you duck your head quickly, staring at the ground until you reached the car. The drive back to the hotel had been silent, you hadn’t felt so awkward in your life. This time in the elevator though, as you were heading back to the room, he waited for you instead of walking off like he had the night before. You walked together to the room and you slid in the room key and proceeded to walk in, placing your purse on the table. Sliding your shoes off, you reached up and pulled the hair tie from your hair, making your locks fall to your shoulders.

“So I’ve decided I want to make another trip down here when they get back from their honeymoon. That way its less crazy and all the wedding stuff will be over with. Because you’re right, they need to know. Sooner rather than later,” you said. The last four words catching his attention. It wasn't that he hadn’t been listening to you, he was, but his thoughts were…everywhere. ‘Sooner rather than later’ ringed in his mind again after you said it and it made him stop. Cas had been in the midst of taking off his own shoes, when those four little words replayed over and over again in his mind.

“Cas? Are you sure you’re okay?” you ask, concern consuming you again as you pulled another glass down from the hotel cabinet to fill with water. He didn’t answer you, instead his eyes scanned the floor again; his hands turning to fists as he contracted his fingers back and forth, as if he were pumping something.

“I think we need to talk,” he answered hesitantly. Taking a sip from the glass, you leaned back on the counter; watching him as he remained standing in front of the door. You were curious to know what was concerning him. Holding the glass to your lips, you stole another drink before you sat the cup onto the counter.

“Okay,” you waited for him, but for the longest time he just stood there with his head down.

“I know,” he stated, not bothering to look up. You weren’t sure what he was talking about.

“You know what” you chuckled, leaning up from the counter. Your laugh faded when his eyes finally lifted and met yours, his expression unreadable.

“(Y/n),….I know.” Then it hit you. He knew….Shit….

“Oh,” is all you could manage as the emptiness consumed you. Cas knew… he would be heading back to the bunker in no time, never to be talking to you again. He watched you, as you watched him, neither of you saying a word as you stared each other down.

“Is that what the call with Dean was about earlier?” you gathered yourself enough to ask; you wanted to know who told him. Not because you were mad, you just wanted to know. Glancing down at your socks, Cas spoke up but you didn’t bother to meet his gaze.

“I went to call him… I needed to know…,” he gave. Searching your mind, there was only one other person possible that could’ve told him.

“Jim,” you whisper, not really looking for Cas to say anything; you knew it was. Jim was the only one you told about the truth of yours and Cas’ arrangement. And if it wasn't Dean, it had to be Jim; Sam wouldn’t of said anything or he would have a long time ago.

“I want you to say it, (Y/n),” he explained softly. Your eyes shot up to his instantly. What was he doing? Shaking your head, you whispered a soft ‘no’. Why did he want you to say it? You couldn’t… not now… not to him….

“I need to hear you say it,” he reworded slowly.

“Cas…” his name fell from your mouth almost mutely as you continued shaking your head negatively.

“Please…,” he pleaded. You knew right then, you couldn’t tell him no again. If he absolutely needed you to say it, you would. Just to get this whole thing over with. The faster Dean got here to pick him up, the faster you could be alone during this heartbreak. Was it possible to die from rejection? You were fixing to find out.

“Yes… I’m in love with you Cas…. I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you…. I’ll always love you,” you shrugged your shoulders as tears sprang to your eyes; one managed to cascade down your cheek as you attempted a sad chuckle. Glancing down, you shook your head again; as if you were ashamed of yourself for crying. Deciding there wouldn’t be a way to hide your puffy cheeks and teary eyes, you looked back to him. His eyes searched yours only for a moment before he made his way over to you. You assumed he would try to hug you, to make you feel better about the whole thing. But Castiel surprised you. His hands cupped your cheeks and he pressed his lips to yours softly. You tried to fight it, knowing Cas was doing this just because he thought it was the right thing to do but you couldn’t help yourself. You were lost; in his touch, in his intoxicating smell,… in his kiss. The only thing you were aware of, was how fast your heart was racing; as if it were going to pop right out of your chest. Leaning into his touch, you wrapped your arms around him and began kissing him back. Soft sounds escaped from within you as you pulled him to you. It wasn’t until he began pulling away that you realized what you were doing and loosened your grip on him. After pulling his lips from yours, both of you took in a huge breath. His thumbs caressed your cheeks and he rested his forehead on yours.

“Will you say it again?” the look on his face was genuine and it confused you. Though that didn’t stop you from doing what he asked.

“I love you.” A huge smile tugged his lips and before you knew it, he was kissing you again. His hands slid from your face, only to wrap around your waist and pull you flush against him. This time you couldn’t feel your heart, it were as if it completely stopped. Parting from you once more, he brought one hand up to brush the hair from your face.

“I love you,” he confessed as he stared into your eyes, smile still present. You couldn’t tell if you were caught in the moment, but you leaned up on your tippy toes to kiss him this time. Both of you so entangled in one another. Your cell phone pulled you apart this time, Dean’s ringtone chiming throughout the room. You held Cas as the tone played and as soon as it ended, the Winchester called again.

“Damn it Dean,” you signed, pulling away from Cas as you went to answer your phone. You missed Castiel’s smirk as he watched you.

“Hello?” you answered, the nervousness setting in as you noticed Castiel watching you closely.

“Hey,” Dean replied in a shy tone, “ is everything okay?” You realized he had talked to Cas hours ago. How long had you slept during the fire? Dean was probably making sure things were good between the two of you; probably figuring you two had already talked and either you were together or… or not.

“Yeah,” you said, almost too far gone in Cas’ eyes to actually reply. Dean noticed you were a little off.

“Can I talk to Cas?”

“S-sure,” you stuttered as you moved closer to him again, “Dean wants to talk to you. I’m going to go change my clothes.” He nodded shyly, as if he were nervous to be around you. Ha, jokes on him because he sure didn’t have anything to be nervous about…

“Hello Dean,” you heard Cas answer. Quickly, you slipped into the bathroom; shutting the door behind you. You dressed as if you were in a hurry and it wasn't until you started to brush your teeth that you realized what you had done; you took advantage of him. The guilt began to take over, leaving you questioning everything that just happened. Cas hadn’t meant it, what he had said. He didn’t love you, not really; not in the way you wanted him to. He was only being his kind, gentle self. All of the negative thoughts began to pour in and it was all you could do, to stand there and watch the tears form in your eyes, only to watch them fall. You were a wreck… your life was a complete disaster. First you hurt your family, then you hurt Sam, and now this? Way to go…. A knock on the door drew you from your tantalizing thoughts.

“(y/n)?… What are you doing?” Cas questioned as he opened the door slightly. Once he saw that you were crying, he opened the door fully and walked in.

“Why are you crying?”

“Cas… I’m not… I’m-I’m fine… you can get ready for bed,” you explain, trying to slip past him.

“No… no more lying. Tell me what’s wrong,” he shifted, standing directly between you and the door.

“You don’t have to do this. I know you found out and I told you how I felt but I don’t want you to think you owe me anything Cas. You don’t have to pretend that you feel the same way.” He watched you for a moment, trying and failing to understand what you were getting at. Cas tried to pull you to him, to hold you like he had just a while ago; he wanted to kiss all of your fears away so that you wouldn’t have to worry anymore. But you backed away from him.

“No. This is what i’m talking about. Cas, when humans are in love they wear their hearts on their sleeves. I know you feel like you need to return something to me, but you can’t. If you try and you don’t mean it, you’re really going to break my heart. And the last time…, the whole thing with Erin…I just thought he broke me. If… if you were to break my heart… Cas I can’t even imagine how far I’d fall or what would happen,” you explained.

“(y/n),” he called out for you, wanting nothing more than for you to just let him hold you. He tried again; to pull you to him, to kiss you. You fought him, backing away and keeping him from you, but you quickly learned he was much stronger than you and much, much faster. 

“Please don’t,” you whispered, realizing he was going to wind up kissing you. You wanted him to kiss you, how selfish was that? But you knew it was better if he didn’t. The next thing you knew, his lips are on yours. You tried again to pull yourself from him and push him away, but you stopped just as fast as you had started. You let him kiss you and hold you; you even took control for a second before he pulled away slowly; holding your face in his hands again.

“I love you,” he gave. You couldn’t help but stare at him, wanting it to be true as your heart beat so fast in your chest.

“You don’t mean that. You have no idea what you’re saying,” you fight.

“Yes I do,” he fought back.

“Cas, you don’t,” you tried to reason.

“If you don’t believe me when i say it…, then let me show you.” You stood there silently. How was he going to prove something that wasn't even real? 

“Will you let me show you?” he asked, holding his hand out for you to take. Of course you were hesitant, but what was he really trying to prove? After taking his hand, he watched you closely before leading you back into the room, stopping at the edge of the bed.

“What are you doing?” you couldn’t help but finally ask. Suddenly he turned and lifted you to him and you had no choice but to wrap yourself around him; your legs around his waist and your arms around his neck. Before you could protest, he laid you in the center of the bed, hovering over you.

“Stay,” he whispered to you, placing a kiss on the tip of your nose before he rose to his feet. You watched as he walked back to the bathroom; he was in there for about a minute, before he came back out dressed in his pjs. Walking over to the door, he made sure it was locked for the night and turned off the entrance lights; leaving the lamp beside you as the only light illuminating the room. He walked back over to you slowly and you watched him as he came closer.

“Cas?” you raised up on your elbows, watching him curiously. The bed dipped as he laid beside you; lifting his hand to cup your cheek as he came in for another kiss. He captured your lips and you felt as if you were entering heaven. When he pulled from the kiss, he gently moved your elbows to where you were laying flat on the bed again.

“Stay,” he repeated, moving from your side to now hovering again. Cas planted a soft kiss on the side of your mouth before placing one on your cheek and the tip of your nose and then a final one on your other cheek. You couldn’t help but whimper out his name; your fingers finding their way into his hair, tugging lightly. Suddenly, he pulled your hands from him; holding them above you.

“Will you allow me to show you?” he asked again, closing his eyes. You weren’t sure what he was doing or how far he was planning to go with this…. Were you fixing to have sex? The thought sent butterflies, though you knew having sex didn’t mean you loved someone. What was he doing?

“…okay…,” you agreed. Whatever it was, you were ready; you’ve been ready, as long as it was Cas. Whatever he had up his sleeve, you trusted him. Cas was mysterious at times, but not enough to where he would just have sex without mentioning it out right. Whatever he was about to do… It meant something to him, so why not let him do it? His eyes shot open, watching you for a moment before you leaned up and kissed him. Your action set him off, Cas was just getting started on you. He loved you and he was going to show you. He slipped his lips from yours and began kissing gently down your neck. Your gulped when his lips touched a sensitive spot you didn’t realize you even had; he noticed and he kissed the same spot over again.

“Cas,” you whined before he continued on. You pulled against his hands, wanting to run your hands through his hair, even just hold him in general.

“I need to concentrate,” he whispered into your ear before kissing there too, “I can’t when you're touching me.” He explained as if he knew what you were wanting. Did you really have that effect on him? He moved down to your shoulder, kissing along your collarbone. The thin spaghetti strap tank you wore, was getting in his way. He kissed around it before moving the strap with his nose to kiss where it had been. The thought finally occurred to you; was he trying to kiss every inch of you? He definitely wasn't missing a spot as he worked his way down. Wait… your heart began to beat faster and faster at the thought…. Cas wasn't planning on sex… but he was planning to kiss you everywhere… including down there…. The thought made your breath hitch. You began to wiggle as his lips traveled farther down your chest; you knew your tank, the only cloth covering your breasts, were about to be in his way. Planting a kiss right where your cleavage began, he peaked up at you through his lashes; as if to ask if it were okay to continue. No words or sounds could form from you so all you could do was nod. He sat up, removing his hold on your wrists above you, his fingers brushing against your waist as they traced the hem of your shirt. Looking up again to see if it were okay, he began to lift the cloth; taking your shirt completely off as he stared into your eyes and threw it somewhere in the room. Once your breasts were exposed, you couldn’t help but feel self conscious about yourself. Your eyes fell from his and he tilted his head before leaning back up to your lips.

“You’re beautiful. Inside and out… there is nothing for you to be worried about. You are one of my father's best creations, (y/n); My favorite.” You took the chance while your hands were free and pulled him to you, kissing him as if it were the first time. Your fingers tangled in his hair, tugging and earning a soft moan from him. You broke the kiss and moved your hands back above your head, urging him to continue. His eyes fell from yours and traced every inch of your exposed skin; his own breath hitching as he took in the site of you. Leaning down, he began again; working his way across you and you couldn’t help but close your eyes. He finally reached your first breast and moved down straight for your nipple, taking it into his mouth sucking lightly before letting it slip and placing a kiss as it was now hardened. You wiggled underneath him, the feeling being way too much for you to just sit still, your hands came down and you held onto him. Almost immediately, he took both of your hands into one of his and lifted them back up. You fought against him as he placed a kiss between your breasts.

“Stay still,” he said. How the hell were you supposed to just be still. This whole thing was a complete turn on for you, not to mention it was Cas, himself, kissing you. This was beyond your fantasies.

“Easy for you to say,” you sighed and a light chuckle escaped his lips. Slowly, he made it across to the second one, sucking it into his mouth like he had the first and you couldn't help but close your eyes. Your breath hitched again and instantly, Cas let go. You thought it was because of something you did, but when you opened your eyes, you saw him leaning over you but he hid his face.

“Whats wrong?” you asked, but he didn’t reply, he just remained still, “Cas?” You were about to sit up to see what was wrong, when your leg rubbed against his crotch, feeling his hardened member. He took in a sharp breath in result of your touch.

“Whoa,” you whispered, more to yourself. 

“I’m sorry,” he began to shake his head and lift up, his hands releasing yours.

“What are you sorry for?

“For this,” he nodded down towards the bulge in his pants.

“Cas, you don’t have to be sorry for that. It happens, especially with what we're doing.” 

“I wasn’t meaning to… Dean said sex isn’t the way to show someone you love them. I wasn't trying to…,” he got caught up with his words. Wow… Dean giving advice to stray away from sex? That was new.

“I know Cas,” you sat up, feeling a chill on your exposed skin, “ I know you weren’t, I realized what you were doing…. I love you… and I believe you, okay?” you tried to make him feel better with the truth of your words. He was being way too hard on himself for something he didn’t even have control over.

“I just don’t want you to think that sex was my intention. I didn’t want tonight to be like this… I tried not to….” You couldn’t help but laugh and he watched you curiously.

“You tried not to get turned on? I don’t think that happens by will, it's not something you can control,” you explain, leaning into his side and snuggling into him.

“Besides, I know you’re not like most guys. You’re different Castiel, it's one of the many reasons I love you. Don’t feel bad for this,” you explained, “Do you realize how often you do things that turn me on?”

“I’ve turned you on?”

“All the time, sometimes all you have to do is look at me if we're being honest.” He tilted his head as he took in what you had told him. Without a shirt, the air around you was chilly and you kept rubbing your arms and covering yourself. Cas noticed and he looked around for your shirt but he couldn’t see it or really remember where exactly he threw it. The next thing you knew, he was taking his black shirt off and handing it to you. His muscles flexing during the process of removal and as he extended his arm to you. You of course couldn’t help but stare, feeling the warm pool that began between your legs. Cas noticed how you looked at him and he couldn’t help but wonder… you had definitely looked at him like that so many times before, but he never knew exactly what it had meant… all those times you had been sexually attracted to him…?

“Are you….” he began but paused for a moment. You gathered your thoughts and threw his shirt over your head; it smelled like him so it didn’t help your desperation.

“Mmm hmm,” you hummed while nodding, looking everywhere but at him. All at once, he leaned over to you and pulled you to him; kissing your lips for what felt like the thousandth time that night but you were still wanting more.

“Perhaps we should go to sleep,” he insisted. He wanted you, desperately, but not tonight. You felt the same way… You definitely didn’t want things to be like they had been with Erin; all he had wanted was sex. Though you knew Cas wasn't like that; he would never do that to you, even if he was just your friend before, Cas was considerate of your feelings. You wanted to see how things between you and him were going to work out. 

“Will you hold me Cas?” you looked up at him as if you needed him to survive. He nodded before slipping into the covers, pulling you to him as if he had held you a million times before. You snuggled to him, your head laying on his exposed chest. Placing a kiss above his heart, you hugged him tightly and he held you closer.

“(y/n),” he whispered your name as he smoothed your hair with his hand.

“Hmm,” you hummed, almost asleep. You felt protected in his embrace, not only that, but you had prayed for this day. For him to love you, for him to hold you. You had everything you’ve ever wanted and he was cuddling you; keeping you safe and keeping you warm.

“I don’t want to pretend anymore. I want you to be mine,” he confessed. You smiled as you moved your hand down to grasp one of his; squeezing it tightly as if you’d never let go.

“I am yours Castiel. I always have been."


End file.
